On Dragonfly Wings

Heart: Melting

2009-06-02T15:56:00.000+02:00

The Best News

2009-05-29T13:05:00.002+02:00

For now I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. I don't really have any words.

Hey, it's me again...

2009-02-11T13:11:00.002+01:00

I don't really even know what to say.

We went to Michigan right after Christmas, for a month, and I knew I wanted to take a blogging break. Michigan was my vacation from everything, and it was WONDERFUL. The Little Mister and I were surrounded by family and friends and love and all my stresses just melted away. The only badness, of course, was that the Sergeant wasn't there...but I know I can't have everything. And it looks like he just might be coming home a bit sooner than expected, so...bonus!

My brother's wedding was lovely, and (after much headache) the dress I now affectionately call "the scary dress" was gorgeous and fit perfectly, with no disasters. And I even wore heels! (wow did my feet hurt at the end of the night...)

A few days after we got back to Germany I got sick. (Of course. That's what I do.) I had a stomach virus that dehydrated me so bad I ended up in the er, and I was sick for over a week. Not the most fun I've ever had, I can tell you that. The major blessing was that the Little Mister had it first and was literally only sick for about two hours. Why can't I be like that??! I'm just glad he got his daddy's immune system and not mine!

So now I'm back. My brain is still a bit frazzled and fuzzy, but perhaps I can come up with something interesting to post every once in awhile. In the next day or so I'll post some pictures from the wedding so you can see my pretty dress...and how adorable my son looks in a little suit!!

Just a little late...Merry Christmas!!!

2008-12-26T12:54:00.003+01:00

With lots of love and wishes of peace and joy
from the Dragonfly house

Decorating Ornaments, aka Messy Craft Time

2008-12-10T19:55:00.001+01:00

*for Wordless Wednesday*

Life

2008-12-08T21:42:00.004+01:00

note: There's no specific badness going on, this is an old poem. I wasn't feeling a poetry vibe today but I couldn't resist the Monday Mission call for a poetry post; I looked through some of my old poems and this one just sort of spoke to me. So...

I want to understand, but the question is too big.

It's so strange
that the world and everyone
goes on when I feel stopped.
The sky is heavy.
There's a weight on my chest
that has nothing to do with anything
I can touch. My mortality screams
in my ears today, tells me
nothing is forever.

I think I am immune to life,
but I am fooling myself.

I want to put my fist
through a window,
to watch my knuckles bleed,
to feel pain,
to feel something.

I am cold inside.
Even my tears are cold.

I smile, say No, don't worry
about me. I'm fine, but I'm not
fine at all. I feel like throwing up,
like maybe if I empty my stomach
I can get rid of yesterday
and start over.

april 2000

I wrote this the day after I found out my grandpa had an inoperable brain tumor. He died a few weeks later. Thankfully all of his kids and all of his grandkids were able to make the trip from Michigan to Florida to see him before he died. It was an overwhelming whirlwind of sickness, travel, sadness, tears, and death.

Been thinking a lot about mortality lately. We get these emails called Red Messages - after the family is notified (in person, of course), a message is sent to the rest of the unit to let them know when a soldier has been killed. The messages always include the "survivors"...and the Little Mister gets so many extra hugs when there are kids! I worry about the Sergeant, of course, but not as much as many spouses. He never leaves the base, he's relatively safe. My best friend's husband, though...he's being deployed to the Middle East for the third time next month, and he's infantry, so he'll be in danger pretty much every day. No wonder this poem jumped out at me.

But, on the flip side, there is joy. Life. Live it! Live every single day. It's something I need to remember. At the moment I'm drowning in Christmas cards (40 down, 26 to go) and I've been so focused on them the past few days that I've been doing less fun stuff with the Little Mister. We play, but I haven't made an effort to get out paint, or markers or other Messy Stuff (which he loves, of course). So tomorrow (he's in bed now) my goal is to have fun with my son. And if someone's Christmas card is late...well, that's life.

1.5

2008-12-07T00:09:00.003+01:00

The Little Mister is 18 months old now.

How does this happen?

Today (well, yesterday now, I guess) my once-tiny little boy held my hand and walked up the stairs with me.

And since it was also St. Nicholas Day there were a few little presents in his boots this morning; he is now the proud owner of his very own markers, which, as you can see, he loves.

I don't think I can deny it anymore...he really is a toddler.

Trimming the Tree

2008-12-03T15:07:00.001+01:00

*for Wordless Wednesday*

The Christmas Story??

2008-12-01T13:00:00.008+01:00

Did you know that Mary was a pilot? When it was time to go she and Joseph rented a plane and flew to Bethlehem.

The inn was full when they arrived, so Mary had to give birth to her baby in a stable. She named him Jesus. They were watched over by a guardian sheep.

Three wise men and a young Hawaiian girl traveled from afar to bring gifts to the newborn king...

...but suddenly they were trampled by a giant!!!

The Hawaiian girl was the lone survivor, arriving in Bethlehem to present the young Jesus with a small blue cell phone.

Watch out, guardian sheep! The giant is back!

This post is brought to you with lots of help from the Little Mister for Painted Maypole's Monday Mission - to write a post as a children's story. This is a nostalgic Monday Mission...I did it last January too. Fun! :)

New Stuff

2008-11-21T15:09:00.002+01:00

Lately my son seems to think he should call me by my given name instead of calling me Mamma. Hmm.
The Little Mister seems to have begun "playing pretend". I asked him to hold a package of fruit snacks while I finished up what I was doing; I told him I'd open them when I was done. After a minute, when I glanced up, he was pretending to pull a snack out of the bag, put it in his mouth, chew, and swallow. When he caught me looking at him, he grinned. So cute!
A HUGE step in the right direction: the Little Mister is starting to put his toys away when I ask. And sometimes even when I don't ask. Wow. I LOVE IT!!
A couple weeks ago, for a reason I still can't put my finger on, I started a page on Facebook. I've already been in touch with several friends I hadn't talked to in over ten years!
I bought plane tickets this week; the Little Mister and I will be in the States for pretty much the month of January. I don't look forward to the l-o-n-g flights with a toddler, but it'll be great to see family and friends. The Little Mister even (finally!!!) gets to meet Painted Maypole and the May Queen!!!
And...oh yeah...it's SNOWING outside right now. It's pretty much a mini blizzard! Yuck.

Christmas card update: 16 down, 49 to go. I think I need to work faster.
And yes, eventually I'll post a picture. :)

Two down, sixty-three to go.

2008-11-17T11:46:00.002+01:00

Christmas cards, that is.

Yup, I'm making my Christmas cards again this year. It seems a rather late start and a rather large undertaking considering the colds and infections making the rounds in our house lately, plus the normal busyness of the holiday season and also having a seventeen month old, especially since they really should be out by around the first of December to make sure they're delivered on time...but I enjoy making cards, and my friend and I are working on them together, so it should be fun. We started last night, the kids watched Annie (well, we had the table set up so we could watch Annie too, and sing along, of course!) while we worked.

So...you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Dragonfly, if you worked last night, why do you only have two cards done? If you're making sixty-five cards, you might want to make a few more than just two a night."

But I did work hard last night. I made over half of my envelopes!

Yeah..not only am I making 65 cards, I'm making 65 envelopes too!!!

I'm a new kind of super hero! You can call me..

[cue trumpets]

Insano-Girl!

I think I'm going to go take a nap...

Baby Hugs

2008-11-12T12:14:00.003+01:00

*for Wordless Wednesday*

Three cheers from the sick house!

2008-11-09T20:01:00.005+01:00

Okay, this is actually us watching the Bills game tonight. And it's blurry because I had to use the timer. And right now there isn't much to cheer about, because it's 10-3, New England. But unlike my dad (the pessimistic lifetime Lions fan, who has faith during every game that they'll find a way to lose) I have hope that my boys can find a win. And, if not, we'll be cheering again next week. (Probably not watching though. It's a Monday night game, which means it starts here at 2:30 Tuesday morning. So cheering in our dreams, I guess.)

But this really is a sick house. This week has been rough. Monday I went to the clinic...I have a sinus infection. I'm feeling much better, almost back to normal. Still headachey, but that's not so bad.

The Little Mister, though...wow. This is really the first time he's ever been sick, and I guess he figured he'd do it right the first time. Remember the picture I posted Tuesday, of him crying and encouraging everyone to vote? Apparently those tears weren't just from his incoming molar (which popped through Tuesday evening, by the way). Wednesday morning he wouldn't eat or drink, so I took him to the clinic in the early afternoon.

He has two ear infections.

He has a minor bacterial infection in his eyes.

He has bronchitis.

My poor baby! After 24 hours on medicine he was mostly back to himself. Now his eyes look fine, and his breathing sounds normal most of the time. He's still more cranky than usual, but I'm hoping my happy baby will come back when the pain in his ears goes away. And I'm really hoping that's soon...

I don't like living in a sick house!

Go me!

2008-11-07T12:33:00.004+01:00

I finally did it.

I washed the dirty clothes he left on the floor.

It only took three months and four days.

And I only cried a little.

I am feeling very silly right now.

And also embarrassed.

It's Election Day!

2008-11-04T12:08:00.002+01:00

Please vote!

If you don't, I might cry!

~~These tears have been brought to you by incoming molar number four~~

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Little Mister and by the letter V

Mickey has nothing on my little mouse.

2008-11-01T22:11:00.002+01:00

p.s. Look...now he does have a tail! *hee hee*

What's the difference between boys and girls?

2008-10-30T09:31:00.002+01:00

According to my three year old neighbor, who took a bath with the Little Mister last night, my son has a "tail".

*giggle*

Random Topics of the Day

2008-10-28T17:37:00.003+01:00

Syrup

Okay, I know syrup absolutely does not qualify as a blog topic. Please bear with me while I try to justify it.

The Little Mister has a waffle for breakfast nearly every morning. Usually with fruit, and sometimes with cheese, but almost always a waffle. What can I say, the kid likes his waffles...and I don't mind so much, because at least I buy the whole grain kind, right?

Anyway, this morning I was trying to stay on my feet while waiting for the waffle to pop from the toaster (both the Little Mister and I have nasty colds going on, so staying on my feet is actually a rather difficult task) and while I stood and swayed I distracted myself by looking at the nutrition info on the back of the syrup bottle.

I have to say I was a bit surprised when I saw that there are 31 grams of sugar in a serving of syrup. I mean, okay, I know syrup is basically sugar, but still. But then I looked at the serving size. A quarter of a cup.

A quarter of a cup??

Does anyone put that much syrup on a waffle? Six pancakes, perhaps. But a waffle?? I've never actually measured, but my guess is the Little Mister gets about a teaspoon (or less) of syrup on his daily waffle. I feel quite a bit better about his sugar intake now.

And me? Even when I have two or three pancakes, I'd guess I use about two tablespoons of syrup. Am I in the minority? Is a quarter of a cup a normal serving size? (note: 4 tablespoons = 1/4 cup)

My Polite Little Boy

I realized something yesterday: the Little Mister says thank you! When I give him something - especially food, but also things like books and toys - he says "tay-tay". Now that I recognize the word as thank you I always say "you're welcome" back to him, and he smiles so proudly every time I do. I just love it! Now if only I could teach his daddy to say thank you...

(Just kidding, honey. I love you!!!) ;)

Little Bills Fan

Look what the Sergent sent for the Little Mister! (translation: Look what the Sergeant sent for ME!!!!) Right now, of course, he's only a Bills fan 'cause his mommy's a Bills fan (and, believe it or not, his daddy doesn't like football!)...but soon enough I'll ~~brainwash him~~ teach him all about football and about the Buffalo Bills and he'll cheer for them on his own. ;)

Oops

2008-10-25T10:30:00.003+02:00

forgot my haiku
left at the checkout counter
I'm sorry, Friday.

* * * * *

Yesterday was a pretty normal, busy day (aside from a very VERY V-E-R-Y big and disgusting mess the Little Mister made that I will not explain because I never ever want to think about it again and I didn't even have the proper cleaning materials to clean it up so we had to go shopping and then I had to burn candles to get the smell of disinfectant out my living room and that didn't even work so it still smells but I don't want to talk about it) (*deep breath*) in the Dragonfly household. I did laundry, cleaned in the kitchen, cuddled with my boy, and, after the boy went to bed, I watched a bit of How I Met Your Mother. I was debating between a haiku about chocolate milk (the Little Mister had his first taste this week, and he sure did love it!) and kittens (for three days this week our neighbors were out of town so we were on kitten-sitting duty, and for some reason those kittens let him do whatever they want to them. He carries them around by whatever body part he can catch...and they don't care at all!). But somewhere in the normal craziness of the day I forgot all about my haiku.

So..this is my very own edition of Haiku Saturday.

:)

For Haiku Friday...click here. :)

Autumn Adventure

2008-10-22T19:25:00.001+02:00

*for Wordless Wednesday*

Gearing Up for Winter

2008-10-20T19:57:00.002+02:00

Ohhh...what is my husband going to say?

But honestly, doesn't the Little Mister look adorable? Okay, I know he's wearing a hat and mittens with his pjs, but still...he's precious in his new puppy dog hat, right??

A couple days ago, when I took the trash out in the early morning fog, there was frost on the cars. Eek! Didn't autumn start just a few days ago? Alright, it was actually a month, but still. Frost??! *sigh* So I went in search of something to keep my boy's ears warm, and I couldn't resist the little velcro ear flaps with floppy ears on top. I might not be mentally ready for winter, but at least the Little Mister will be warm! :)

p.s.

What I wanted to write in this post but was too tired to figure out how to write in haiku:

Thanks. To all of you who read my blog, no matter how long you've been reading...thanks. You're the ones who make this place what it is. It would be no fun at all without you!! :)

One

2008-10-17T21:50:00.004+02:00

'Twas a year ago
a little blog came to be.
Where did the time go??

I wrote of blankness
and why I love Halloween...
Wow, so much has changed!

October 2007:

October 2008:

For more haiku fun, click here!

I'm surrounded by GIRLS!!!

2008-10-15T15:05:00.002+02:00

...and this is what they do to me. *sigh*

*by the Little Mister, for Wordless Wednesday*

Haiku Friday - My Blue Ribbon Day

2008-10-10T21:43:00.002+02:00

An autumn evening,
games and candy, crafts and fun:
smiles on every face.

It's a "county fair,"
with music, cotton candy,
and plenty of food!

And then a contest.
Some made soup, chili, or cake.
I made apple pie.

for more haiku fun, click here!! :)

Wordless Wednesday: (Little) Mr. Cool

2008-10-08T18:32:00.001+02:00

Period of Adjustment

2008-10-06T21:41:00.002+02:00

The Good News:

Saturday I started a new medication for my migraines. It's something I've taken before, and it's nearly miraculous; I take it twice a day and my migraines go from 5-7 a week to 1-2 a month!!!*

The Bad News:

While I adjust to the meds, I get dizzy just sitting on the couch.

So...I can't drive, I can't read, I can barely walk from one end of the apartment to the other without running into something. I'm thankful that the Little Mister can walk on his own in the house as much as possible.. I'm not going to be online much because it's hard to focus on the monitor. I call myself the space cadet. :) Thankfully this only lasts a week or two, if I remember correctly. But even two weeks of dizziness is worth no more migraines!!!!!

*I had to stop taking it when I wanted to get pregnant, and now that I for sure can't get pregnant it's a safe time to take it again. :)

I shed some "Mommy Tears" today.

2008-10-02T20:17:00.002+02:00

Snuggling with the Little Mister in the quiet of the morning, smelling the soft baby scent of his hair, thinking about how fast he's growing, I whispered, "Will you be my boy forever?"

He put his hands on my cheeks, looked right into my eyes, and kissed me.

Wordless Wednesday: Follow the (Yellow) Brick Road

2008-10-01T11:57:00.000+02:00

Yesterday by the Numbers

2008-09-29T16:15:00.003+02:00

in the afternoon...

trips to the park: 1
moms on the trip: 2
kids on the trip: 4
directions four kids can go all at once: approximately 27

slides slid by the Little Mister: 2
slides slid without crying: 1
slides enjoyed: 0

steps the Little Mister climbed: 8
picnic tables he climbed: 4
fallen logs he climbed: 2
people he climbed: 3

hours spent at the park: 2.5
distance walked/crawled/climbed/slid: far enough that we were all exhausted when we left!

pictures taken: 150 (and no, that is no exaggeration..)

and then after dinner...

trips to the movies: 1
people I took with me to see The Dark Knight: ZERO!!

(Oh the joy of being able to see a movie that isn't made for kids! To spend a few hours with no responsibilities!)

times I thanked my friend and her kids for watching the Little Mister for me: too many to count

and later last night...

football games watched: 1
points scored by the Bills: 31
points scored by the Rams: 14
times I cheered out loud for the Bills: again, too many to count
time I finally got to bed: 2:00 am

and today's big number...

new molars poking through: TWO!!

Life Happens

2008-09-23T21:03:00.002+02:00

My break from the internet wasn't planned.

The Little Mister learned how to climb onto the couch, and now it's his favorite place. He also learned how to turn off Mommy's computer, and that seems to be his new favorite game.

So...the computer is mostly put away these days, and turned off. And when I do get a little time to myself, I've been a bit busy, a bit distracted. Here's what's been going on in the Dragonfly house:

I've been finding lots of great books at the library, and today I got FIVE new books in the mail! (Ahh, the joy of Amazon, bringing books right to me even in Germany..) Lots of reading happening; it's lovely to just lose myself in a good book for a few hours.
The Little Mister is more mobile, so the mess in the house is suddenly more widespread. Cleaning abounds.
My migraines are suddenly almost under control (woo hoo!) so I can cross-stitch again. I'm working on two big products, and in the past week I've made considerable progress.
Our upstairs neighbors have TWO new kittens! The Little Mister and I like to go up and visit..he plays with the little girl and the kitten, and I get to have adult conversation with my friend. :)
My newest obsession: Heroes. I got the first two seasons on dvd for my birthday, and before this I'd only seen the first few episodes (I moved here to Germany just after the first season started and I never got the chance to catch up). So far I've watched the first season and the first two episodes of the second season, and I've been completely sucked in. I like that some of the characters are so hard to figure out...good guy, bad guy, victim of circumstance.... I'm fascinated by Sylar. And I'm quite jealous of all you in the States who can watch new episodes..who knows when I'll get to see season three.
And when the Little Mister is awake, we've had some excellent play time. Just a few days ago he learned where his nose is! (Okay, perhaps I'm a bit too excited about that, but I'm entitled, right?)

So...the blogging break was unexpected...but good.

What's been taking up your time these days?

Wordless Wednesday: Mardi Gras in September?

2008-09-17T15:19:00.002+02:00

Thanks a bunch, Painted Maypole!! He loves them! (and we enjoyed the rest of the package too..)

:)

Words I haven't written

2008-09-14T20:08:00.001+02:00

Hello to everyone out there in blogland. Have you missed me? I've been thinking about things I want to write (thoughts on 9/11 and other thoughts on turning thirty, to name a few) but I'm being held in the tight grip of a cold that refuses to let go. Argh. The good news is I haven't had a migraine since last weekend! I can't remember the last time I went a week without a migraine...isn't modern medicine wonderful?

Since I can't straighten out my brain enough to write anything that makes sense, let me to direct you to something that touched me this past week. Mary Alice at From the Frontlines wrote a heart-wrenching post on her experience of 9/11 as part of a military family. The Sergeant and I weren't a military family on 9/11 - we weren't even married yet, although the wedding was planned - but Mary Alice's story makes me wonder what memories my son will have of his daddy the soldier..

Haiku Friday: Thirty

2008-09-12T21:13:00.002+02:00

There was chocolate cake,
my baby boy, and some friends:
my happy birthday.

For more haiku fun, click here.

It's Fun to be One! - Fall Class List

2008-09-08T15:24:00.012+02:00

Hi there! Little Mister here. I know it's been awhile since you heard from me, but Mommy told me about this week's Monday Mission and I knew it was time to put my plan into action. I've been learning so much lately, and discovering new things, that I've decided to share some of my wisdom with other kids my age. Brilliant, right? So here is the fall class list for my new school, It's Fun to be One!

Walking 101 Are your knees getting sore? Or your hands? Crawling might get you around, but there's a better way. Walking! In this class we'll cover such topics as Balance, Cruising, and How to Take a Fall.

On the Go Fun with wheels! We'll play with trains, cars, airplanes - big ones, little ones, some to push, some to ride. Advanced topics include Keeping the Train on the Tracks and Making Car Noises.

Chatterbox Do you love telephones? I do! In this class we'll learn words to use on the phone, starting with "hi" and "bye-bye." And, of course, we'll push buttons and talk on the phones. My favorite lesson is Ways to Make Your Grandparents Make Funny Noises on the Phone.

Music Lots of noise! We'll make music in every class, with drums, xylophones, maracas, our voices, and whatever else we can find. There will be a special lesson on How to Make Your Pets Run and Hide.

Drama In this course we'll play with props and costumes and our imaginations...and learn how to make grown-ups laugh.

Art A fun class with lots of hands-on activities. Most lessons use paper and crayons, but we may get to finger paints. Be prepared to get messy! At the end of every lesson you'll have a gift for your mom or dad or someone else special.

Catch Those Cats! This is an advanced course, only for serious students who want a challenge. Topics include Sneaking, Quiet, and Waving Ribbons or Other Cat Toys. We'll possibly spend a few minutes talking about catching dogs, but since they usually want to be caught there isn't much to learn.

Every class meets every day - we keep busy, 'cause It's Fun to be One!

Watch Me Grow!

2008-09-07T08:52:00.003+02:00

November 6, 2007
Five Months Old

February 6, 2008
Eight Months Old

September 6, 2008
Fifteen Months Old

It's getting a bit more difficult to keep him sitting on the futon. I think I spent more time putting him back between the animals than actually taking pictures! :)

One of these days I'll write a post with more words than pictures. Really! Maybe even tomorrow! ;)

A Whole New World

2008-09-04T20:11:00.002+02:00

Wordless Wednesday - Football Fan

2008-09-03T14:35:00.002+02:00

June 7, 2008
Michigan

September 1, 2008
Germany

For me??

2008-09-01T22:59:00.002+02:00

A week ago the lovely Aliki gave me this award!! Isn't it pretty? And oh-so-nice! :)

Here are the rules that came along with it..

Put the logo on your blog
Link to the person who awarded you
Nominate seven (or more) others for this award
Link to those seven, and
Leave notes for your nominees on their blogs

So...to pick seven...

Valerie at Please Don't Put Those Beans Up Your Nose!! (for, among other things, leaving me one of the funniest comments ever on my last post)
Tracy at just another mommy blog
nomotherearth (with a special nod to Mr. Earth's guest posts)
Cee at Starting to Melt (who is, very possibly right now, having a baby boy!!)
The Mrs. at Trying Our Best
ewe at Wherever Ewe Go, There Ewe Are
Beth at A Mom's Life

So many deserving blogs! If you haven't read them, be sure to check them out. :)

I was going to write something clever or witty at the end of this post, but I have Mommy Brain again, plus it's nearing midnight and I'm tired...so I'll just add that I'm praying for all my friends (and everyone else!) in Gustav's path. The Little Mister and I said a special prayer when I put him to bed tonight, and he must have noticed that I was a bit emotional...because he put his pacifier in my mouth. Such a sweet little guy I have...

haiku friday - missing

2008-08-29T14:49:00.003+02:00

once upon a time
everything I touched turned to
endless poetry.

I'd wake in the night,
poem at my fingertips,
begging for a page.

on a walk I'd see
an ant, the wind, something sweet -
poems everywhere.

but now they are gone.
not writer's block, it's a drought.
why have they left me?

a hole deep inside,
right where the poems belong...
full of tears instead.

(So, of course, I write a poem about not being able to write poems. Go figure.)

For more haiku fun, click here.

Wordless Wednesday - Little Drummer Boy

2008-08-27T15:59:00.001+02:00

Will someone please wake me up?

2008-08-24T11:58:00.002+02:00

Last night my mom "called" me (we were using microphones with our computers) and we got to talking about my brother's upcoming wedding. It's finally officially set for January, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Mom made a comment about dresses and my heart skipped a beat - I've had good luck with bridesmaid's dresses in the past, but that's never a given. You never know when someone is going to want pink, frilly dresses with huge bows on the back. I wasn't too worried, because from what I've seen my sister-in-law-to-be (wow, she really needs a nickname!) has good taste.

So anyway, back to the phone call. Mom said, "They're mocha brown, or latte brown, something like that..."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Brown is good. For one thing, it's not pink. For another, I like brown. Hooray!

But Mom kept talking: "...and it's strapless."

I sort of sputtered for half a second, and then I shouted, "Has she seen me??!"

Mom wasn't even attempting to hide her laughter. "That's just what your brother said."

That didn't surprise me at all, that sounds exactly like him. I'll bet he laughed just as much as Mom did.

See, I've never worn a strapless dress. I've never had a desire. Because I know there is no way I can pull it off. I remember shopping for formals when I was in high school, looking at the strapless dresses and saying to my friends, "That's beautiful, too bad I don't have anything to hold it up." No one ever argued with me. Most of the time they laughed. It never hurt my feelings, because I knew they were right. I usually laughed with them.

Again, back to the phone call.

I was still sputtering. "You know what's going to happen, don't you? I'm going to be walking down the aisle, step on my hem, and the dress is going to just fall off!"

Mom was incredibly helpful. "Make sure you wear pretty underwear."

Oh, thanks Mom. You're the best.

I decided not to talk to her about it anymore. But my mouth kept going, betraying my brain..

"Maybe I can super glue it on..."

Even I laughed at that one, but my laughter was bordering on hysterical.

This is my nightmare. My own personal nightmare. I trip over painted lines in parking lots. What am I going to do in a strapless dress and (if I remember the rest of the fuzzy conversation correctly) high heels? This cannot be real. Could someone please wake me from this nightmare?

p.s. To my almost-sister, if you're reading this: please don't take this the wrong way. Yes, I am terrified...but who cares? This is your wedding, not mine, and I'll cheerfully wear whatever dress you choose for me. I can survive for one day. I hope. :)

What happened to my brain?

2008-08-20T14:15:00.003+02:00

I can't put a coherent post together. Actually, I'm having a difficult time writing anything at all that makes sense - a few days ago I couldn't even figure out my own shopping list. (And I have a feeling the Sergeant is going to read the letters I've been sending the past few days and think "Was she half asleep when she wrote these?" Sorry honey..) I have several drafts of posts saved, but right now they all look like rambling rambles of Rambledonia.

I have several theories:

extreme lack of sleep
migraines EVERY SINGLE DAY
lack of adult conversation
weather changing from hot (80s) and sunny to cold (60s) and rainy literally overnight
Olympic fever
all of the above

At any rate, my brain is dysfunctional. I've been typing this post that says absolutely nothing for about half an hour now. (Of course, part of that could be the child attacking my feet and the cat attacking my head.)

In other news...the Little Mister has a molar. At 14 months old. Is that weird? It seems weird to me, but since he's my first child I don't really have a reference point. And it's on the top...don't they usually start on the bottom? I'm not at all worried, it just seems odd...but maybe I'm just crazy. At least now I know why he's been fussier than usual for the past week.

(See what I mean about the rambling?)

I'm going to stop now. This is just getting silly. Hopefully soon my brain will work again.

A River in Egypt

2008-08-13T16:56:00.003+02:00

The Sergeant first went to Iraq in September 2005. The night before he left we sat on the couch in our living room, just being together, and he had a Pepsi. When he finished he did the thing that always irritates me: he put his can on the coffee table instead of in the recycling.

The next day, several hours after he left, I saw the can sitting on the coffee table (not even on a coaster!). He always leaves things for me to clean up after him, I thought. I smiled a tear-filled smile and left the can on the table.

I did the same thing every day for over a month.

If you take care of it, a tiny voice whispered in my mind, he won't be here anymore.

I had a couple friends over to pass out candy on Halloween, and when I was cleaning up the house I finally took care of the Pepsi can.

One stupid little action nearly broke my heart. I cried for about an hour.

The Sergeant left twelve days ago. I have done the laundry, cleaned off the desk, washed the dishes. I cleaned out the car. I hung his jacket back on the coat rack.

But there is one article of clothing on the bedroom floor. I step over it every day, several times a day. I can't bear to pick it up. I can't admit he's gone.

Yes, I hail from Denial Land. I'm just not ready to face that collapse. Not yet.

The good news? Even when I decide to leave Egypt, I'll still have this to hold on to:

Sympathy

2008-08-11T09:33:00.002+02:00

After the Little Mister and I finished breakfast we headed to the living room. He immediately immersed himself in blocks, trains, books, and chatter in a language I cannot understand....and I (of course) turned on last night's recorded Olympics.

After synchronized diving (how beautiful is that?!) came women's gymnastics. I was oohing and ahhing over the Chinese team, and the Little Mister wasn't paying any attention at all.

Then one of the Chinese girls fell on the vault, a horrible and painful looking fall. "Oohhhhhhh" I said.

Without even looking up from his Duplos, the Little Mister said, "Uh-oh."

How's that for sympathy?

Another Distraction

2008-08-09T21:46:00.004+02:00

The perfect distraction, actually.

Exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

The Olympics!

I'm an addict. I watch everything. Here on our odd AFN tv the stuff that is "prime time" in the States is on starting at 2:00 am. I'm going to use my dvd recorder. (I can't miss Michael Phelps swimming in a final, can I??!) At the moment I'm watching Men's Beach Volleyball...fun stuff. Earlier today I got teary (I'll admit it) when I saw not one, not two, but three American flags raised over the women who swept the individual fencing event.

Even the Little Mister is excited...or acting excited, anyway. If he hears applause, he claps...and there is a lot of applause when the Olympic Games are on the tv. He very rarely pays any attention to the visual part of the tv, but he always responds to the applause he hears. It's cute. And I know someday he'll watch the Olympics with his mommy. The thought tugs at my heartstrings a little bit. Anyway...

Two weeks of nail-biting ups and downs, of cheering out loud (and sometimes, perhaps, yelling at judges or referees).

A perfect distraction.

Distractions

2008-08-05T13:33:00.005+02:00

In keeping with my "staying busy is my friend" theory of keeping my sanity, this is what I did yesterday:

Yup...I made a quilt!! Start to finish, a friend and I made this quilt yesterday. It's not very big (prefect Little Mister size, though!) and not very fancy, but I made it!

I met my friend A. in the hospital, when the Little Mister was born. Her youngest daughter was born the same day, 16 hours earlier, and the four of us were roommates. One of the things we talked about that day was the beautiful rag quilt she made for here little girl. "It's easy," she said. "I can teach you." Took us nearly 14 months to actually schedule a day to quilt, but she was right. Even someone who can't make a sewing machine make straight seams can make a rag quilt...if there's someone else there to help. :)

And now I can add sewing and quilting to the list of things to do when I don't want to think about reality.

Oh, and the Little Mister had a great time playing with his friends..

I didn't get pictures of everyone, but this little girl has two older sisters and two older brothers...and a little brother or sister on the way!!

We now return to our regularly scheduled Reality.

2008-08-02T19:20:00.002+02:00

The Sergeant flew to Kuwait yesterday.

And so...the Little Mister and I are on our own again. We're back to trips to the playground, playing with blocks and trains, and long conversations that consist of hi interspersed with the occasional uh-oh.

It's not that I don't like those things. Our "hi" conversations crack me up. It was just really nice to talk to someone who (occasionally) answers in complete sentences.

And so...I'm a bit down today, a bit not myself. I know it'll get better...but today I'm watching old episodes of Buffy and eating Oreos, two things that always make me smile.

Oh, and I'm hugging my baby extra tight.

Almost too busy to breathe..

2008-07-27T22:50:00.007+02:00

Tuesday, of course, was our day in Luxembourg.

Wednesday we went to Idar-Oberstein for dinner
(lamb, a favorite of mine!) and a walk..

I've been waiting to take the Little Mister to play in this fountain
since my first trip to Idar-Oberstein...
when I was about 30 weeks pregnant! :)

Thursday, a trip to Trier...

Yesterday we went to the zoo in Frankfurt:

"Calling" to the gorilla the same way he calls to the cats,
rubbing his fingers together in a "if you come over here
I'll scratch you!" motion.
He did that all through the zoo!

Of course, I couldn't resist taking pictures with the giraffe statue. :)

"calling" to the zebras too...

Daddy loves carrying his little boy on his shoulders....
doesn't much appreciate the ear pinches, though!

And today we went to Manderscheid to explore some castle ruins!

We are so enjoying each other!

Wordless Wednesday: A Day in Luxembourg

2008-07-23T11:26:00.003+02:00

Haiku-type Update

2008-07-18T14:36:00.002+02:00

The Sergeant is home
Little Mister loves Daddy
Can't get enough hugs

Got some more flowers
Gerberas, a sunflower
Small, pretty garden

Little Mister "helps"
He excels at laundry time
Bit more work for Mom...

Got presents today!
Thanks to Pearl (and her person)
A sweet, fun surprise

These are busy days
Full of hugs, kisses, laughter
And lit up with smiles

for more haiku fun, click here...

Sunday Morning Joy: My Boys!!!

2008-07-13T15:59:00.003+02:00

Sometime after 6:00 am - a phone call

Sometime after 8:00 am - a knock on the door

And soon after that:

Yup, the Sergeant is HOME! Not for good, just for his mid-tour R&R. (Please don't comment that three months into a fifteen month tour is nowhere near "mid"-tour...it'll just get me frustrated. It wasn't his choice to come home so early. I've decided to stop being frustrated by his early leave and just enjoy having him home!)

Aren't my boys adorable together? It's wonderful to see them interact, it's so hard spending every day with the Little Mister and knowing the Sergeant is missing out on so much. We're all going to enjoy every day of his three weeks home!

I dream a rose garden..

2008-07-11T16:51:00.006+02:00

My to do list said
"buy flowers and plant flowers"
And so I obeyed

Rich dirt on my hands
Little Mister had fun too
(sorry, no photos)

Now I have color
- Red and yellow, purple, white -
On my balcony

Today a light rain
Fine mist, kisses on petals
A drink for new life

for more haiku fun, click here!

Wordless Wednesday - Soooooo Big!

2008-07-09T11:09:00.002+02:00

Thirteen Months Old

For more Wordless Wednesday, click here..

Shoulder to the Wheel

2008-07-07T12:59:00.003+02:00

The holiday weekend is over...and I have to get my house clean.

I'm not quite sure when it happened.

I mean, I sweep, I wash dishes, I dust.

I clean up after the Little Mister.

When I fold clothes I put them away (or at least in the bedroom they belong in).

But suddenly I looked up and it seems everything is a mess. Everything is somewhere other than where it belongs. There is infant Tylenol in the dining room. There is a pile of empty boxes in the living room. There are candles in the hallway, empty dish soap and fabric softener bottles in the bathroom, and books everywhere.

I think the cats are playing games with me, moving things around when I sleep.

Anyway, starting today I have to get things done. My "to do" list for the week more than covers an entire sheet of notebook paper. I make very detailed lists...it makes it look like I have more to do, but I get to cross things off more often. And doesn't everyone just love to cross things off of lists? (Please someone say yes...make me feel less crazy...) ;) Here's just one of my lists:

Kitchen:

take out trash
sweep/mop floor
wash/put away dishes
clean off counters
clean out fridge
organize cupboards
wash cupboard/drawer fronts

And that's a short one!

So I've got to get busy. But that's okay. My house will be clean!! :)

Wish me luck!

On a completely different note, my grandpa is in the hospital..again. This time it's gall bladder trouble (sound familiar?). Yesterday they did a procedure where they go down through the mouth and stomach to the gall bladder to clean it out..at least that's what I understand from a short phone call to my grandma. The good news is they might not have to do surgery! Any prayers and positive thoughts would be much appreciated..

Happy Independence Day!!

2008-07-04T16:32:00.004+02:00

...with love from me and the Little Mister :)

In which I talk about my son and then ask for a bit of advice.

2008-07-03T11:19:00.004+02:00

Yesterday was the Little Mister's 12 month well-baby appointment. A little late, I know, but we were in the States around his birthday and this was the first appointment I could get. (and that is a complaint for another day...) Anyway, he's still small: 20.5 pounds and 29.5" long (can I say tall now?). The doctor says "You know he's small, but he's healthy. Beau-ti-ful healthy. And he's built like an athlete."

After we saw the doctor there was some "fun". The Little Mister had to have blood drawn. And then he got four shots. Poor little guy. He screamed like he was dying, and I was nearly crying with him, but the instant I picked him up he stopped, mid-cry. About thirty seconds later I tickled his neck a little, without even thinking about what I was doing, and he giggled. I guess he was fine. Dramatic much? Anyway, this seems to be the only effect of the shots (or possibly it was just the early start in the morning):

He slept for a couple hours and then everything was fine. No fevers, no acting "off" (his usual response to immunizations), no fussing, no pain (even when I massaged his legs like the nurse told me to: he just laughed!)...just bright, happy, full-of-energy baby. Hooray! (I wouldn't have turned down his usual extra nap, though..)

And now, with no brilliant segue way (I'm tired this morning) we reach the point in the post where I start asking for advice. Because you are all brilliant, my bloggy friends, and I know I can count on you for help. ;)

Quest for Advice #1: Breakfast

Any suggestions on what to serve a one-year-old for breakfast? Eggs, cereal, oatmeal, toast...it seems like I'm giving him the exact same meals over and over again. I don't have trouble being creative with lunch and dinner, but I've always been a cereal eater so I just can't think of anything else for breakfast. And since my son eats EVERYTHING, I want to give him a variety of things to try out.

Quest for Advice #2: The Bathtub Stinker

Yes, that is what I have begun to call my son. Ever since we got home from our trip he seems to think that the bathtub is the place to poop. Nearly every night. What do I do about this?? I'm getting very tired of cleaning out the tub, cleaning off the baby, running new bathwater, etc... (And this time I'm being serious, not like the last time I wrote about the Little Mister's fun with bodily functions...)

Can you help me?

Little Mister = Little Monkey

2008-06-30T15:27:00.002+02:00

First there was the climbing.

Second came an incident that occurred just a few minutes ago. I was changing a not-very-sweet-smelling diaper when he thrashed and wiggled and kicked, all in one motion, almost flinging himself off the changing table. While I wrestled him back onto the table and onto his back - without my noticing - he stuck his hand down into his diaper. When I had a clean diaper on him I looked at his face...which was, of course, smeared with his "treasure." Mostly around his mouth. He looked at me, smiled, and threw the rest of his findings onto the floor.

It seems his transformation is nearly complete.

If he starts trying to pick (invisible) bugs out of my hair, I'm calling a zoo.

Notes

2008-06-27T16:45:00.004+02:00

I got mail today
My first letter from Daddy
He misses me lots

(haiku by the Little Mister)

For more haiku fun, click here.

* * * * * * *

I've been thinking about mail lately (obviously). On my last post many people commented on how much they like to get "real" mail - just like me! - so I thought I'd spread some love, via the post office. Would you like to find a postcard in your mailbox? Email your address to me - dragonflywings27 (at) yahoo (dot) com - and I'll send you a postcard from Europe!

* * * * * * *

Angela at Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy gave me a bloggy present!

She sent me some love because I'm living without the Sergeant...just like she's living without her deployed husband right now.

I get to share some love too...

To Mary Beth and Helen, who sent me a surprise when I was having a rough time, and also to their sister Amanda...because their family is dealing with some rough stuff at the moment.

And to Mrs. Staff Sergeant, another military wife, who is pregnant with baby #3! (I needed lots of hugs when I was pregnant...a cyber-hug can't hurt, right?)

my lost art

2008-06-24T09:48:00.004+02:00

I have a friend in Ohio, Birdie, I've known literally since I was born. I don't remember living near her (we moved to Michigan when I was 13 months old) but after a trip to visit when I was around ten we started writing letters to each other. Long distance phone calls were too expensive for ten-year-olds, and email didn't even exist, so we wrote letters. I remember letters scribbled in pencil in spiral notebooks, ripped out with torn and ragged edges, folded in no particular way, and stuffed into an envelope. A stamp cost 25 cents.

Those days are burned into my memory. I'd put the stamped and addressed envelope into the mailbox and sit at the window waiting for the mailman to pick it up and put it in his big, blue bag. Then it was a waiting game. Starting the next day (okay, so I wasn't entirely rational) I'd check the mail as soon as it came, looking for a reply from Birdie. On the day I finally found a letter with my name on it I'd tear into it, read through it three or four times, and then run off searching for my spiral notebook and a sharp pencil.

In some ways my letter-writing has evolved. A stamp is 42 cents, for one thing. Somewhere along the way I adopted stationary and note cards. I make my own "fun" envelopes out of wrapping paper or magazine pages. I have many colored pens in several different cases, right where I know they are, instead of having to search for a pencil. I almost always put a sticker or two on the envelope. When I'm feeling particularly festive I sometimes put a pinch of confetti inside (people have learned the hard way to be careful when opening a note from me!). My handwriting is much more legible. Oh, and I'm paying for the stamps myself instead of digging through Mom's bill basket to find hers.

But some things haven't changed at all. I'm still obsessive about checking the mail. While I force myself to save the letter for last, opening the boring mail first, I still read a letter through several times as soon as it is opened...and then read it again an hour or so later. And, until about a year ago, I still wrote a reply within a day or two of receiving a letter from a friend.

And that's where my art is lost...or at least misplaced. When the Little Mister was born my outgoing mail, aside from a three-sentence note with a new picture of the bug here or there, dwindled from a rushing stream to a mere trickle. That's understandable: I was learning how to be a mom, getting to know my little boy, exploring Europe... Since the Sergeant left for the Middle East in April even the trickle has dried up. I write to him every night before I go to bed (yes, letters - you can't hold an email in your hand!), and I still hand-write thank-you notes (an issue for another post), but other than that...nothing. My brain is so frazzled from being a "single mom" that when the Little Mister goes to sleep all I want to do is sleep. Or possibly read blogs.

But I miss correspondence. I miss finding letters in the mailbox. Because, really, you have to write letters to get letters! Living so far away from all my friends, I miss seeing their handwriting on an envelope. I miss holding onto something they made just for me, something that has traveled across the ocean to find me.

So. My goal is to write a real letter to everyone in my address book (that's not as crazy as it sounds; while I keep old addresses in a different book, my current book is up-to-date) by the end of summer (the "real" end of summer, the autumnal equinox...gives me a little more time than saying Labor Day!). Can I do it? I don't know...but if I work on it I'll at least be writing again. I miss it.

Birdie and I are still friends, good friends, even though we've lived far apart since we were about my son's age (wow!). While I was in Michigan my mom talked to Birdie's mom, and found out that Birdie is having a rough time. And because I'd cut myself off, so to speak, I didn't know about it.

I think Birdie is first on my list.

Birdie, me, and Birdie's little sister

a camping trip, early 1990s

Please pass the Excedrin.

2008-06-22T19:52:00.003+02:00

My son is climbing. Climbing! He isn't walking yet (though he's close, he took two unassisted steps to me on his birthday), but he's climbing. And doesn't he look proud of himself?

Let the headaches begin.

Tonight in the tub (before the pictures were taken) I noticed him trying to climb out of the tub. Oh no, I thought. It's starting. I was actually talking to the Sergeant at the time, and he remarked that it's time to baby-proof his bedroom (right now he doesn't play in there, just sleeps and has his diaper changed) to be ready for the time he climbs out of his crib. It's something the Sergeant and I have discussed before: once he climbs out of his crib he's getting a toddler bed. I would not be able to sleep thinking he might climb out of his crib and crack his head open. I'd rather put a gate in his doorway, to keep him in the room, and let him climb out of the bed when he wants. I'm hoping that day will be far away, but I'm not counting on it. Especially considering that not an hour after the Sergeant and I talked tonight, the Little Mister climbed up into his cubby.

Good grief.

What am I going to do??

Wordless Wednesday: Birdbath

2008-06-18T20:44:00.001+02:00

Home Again

2008-06-17T12:00:00.002+02:00

Hooray!

Vacations are good. Time with family and friends I don't often see is also good. Watching my son with so many people who love him: excellent.

But..

I am happy to be home, to sleep in my own bed (covered with kitties), to cook lunch in my own kitchen with my own pans and eat that lunch with my own dishes. I'm even happy to have my tiny washer and dryer to do my laundry.

And on the way home from the airport, to drive through mountains under blue skies, with three sleeping kids in the backseat and a friend beside me: priceless.

Wordless Wednesday: Grandma Made Spaghetti!

2008-06-11T16:41:00.001+02:00

to my beautiful boy:

2008-06-06T23:10:00.000+02:00

Happy Birthday!!

My life will never be the same.

June 6, 2007

Wordless Wednesday: Go Wings!!

2008-06-04T16:00:00.002+02:00

exhausted...but having fun!

2008-06-03T19:17:00.005+02:00

Aaahhhh...vacation. Who knew that something supposed to be relaxing could so wear me out?? ;)

We flew in on May 20, had "girls night out" on May 22...and on May 23 I got sick. Everyone in my parents' house had some nasty bug, and I got it too. (I'm so thankful the Little Mister didn't get it!!) I know, I know. I just got over being sick! But that's life...my immune system and I just don't get along. *sigh*

We've been keeping busy, though, with trips to two different zoos, to visit grandparents and great-grandparents, shopping (oh, how I've missed American malls, and Target!), and walks to the library and my favorite ice cream shop.

I'm feeling much better now (barely even coughing, woo hoo!), although I'm tired out from all the driving and walking and visiting and shopping. There's more coming up, including the Little Mister's very first birthday party this Friday!! (Where, oh where, did the time go??!)

I leave you now with some pictures of my cute little bug. Because it's my blog, and I can. ;)

my brother and the Little Mister at John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids

the Little Mister "helping out" on Risk night
(in case you're thinking "that's not a Risk board!"
...it's Lord of the Rings Risk)

looking at the fountain at the Detroit Zoo

riding in the wagon with his cousin
(she "took care of" the Little Mister...way cute!)

posing with the "kitty"

Girls Night Out

2008-05-23T12:54:00.008+02:00

Bestest friend in town

It's time for a shopping trip
Finally: a mall!

It's been a long time:
Fancy new clothes for Mommy!
Shirt, pants, shoes, and coat

Now to get ready
Clothes, and something with our hair
Necklace from a friend

First to The Black Rose
Irish pub with yummy food
Margaritas too

A table for three
Princess Leia meets us there
The laughter begins

A short walk downtown
Monty Python's Spamalot!
I laugh 'til I cry

"I am not dead yet"
"Always look on the bright side..."
I got a t-shirt

Three girls, long time friends
One in Kansas, Michigan,
And Germany too

But now: Girls Night Out
Drinks, dinner, and then a show
Best friends forever!

Click here for more Haiku Friday!

(almost) Wordless Wednesday: Flight

2008-05-21T15:09:00.002+02:00

Aside from a frustrating delay in Detroit and a rather unfortunate diaper incident (notice the two different outfits?) about an hour into the flight from Germany, the trip went remarkably well. I lost count of the number of people who told me "he's such a good baby!" or "he's so happy!" I am thankful for my content little guy, he really is an amazing traveler!

Signing off for a couple days...

2008-05-19T22:44:00.003+02:00

My computer is keeping me from my packing...so I need to shut it down and put it away. :) So much to do, so little time..

Anyway, I'll be back sometime after I get to my parents' house, likely Wednesday or so. My Google Reader will be packed (after I've finally gotten it down under 50!!) but oh well. I'll have something to read while I'm recovering from jet lag, right?

Cheers!

from the Little Mister's last flight
Detroit to Frankfurt

October 15, 2007

tiny post full of good news

2008-05-19T10:13:00.002+02:00

Friday morning I found out I suddenly didn't have a ride to the airport.

Saturday afternoon I posted about it. (Thank you, by the way, to everyone who told me I'm not crazy. I know it probably wasn't really that bad, but I was major stressed and needed to rant a litle bit. Thanks for listening, and being encouraging.)

Late Saturday night I got an email from a friend asking if we could get together next week, and since I was sitting at my computer I replied right away, letting her know I was leaving earlier than I'd originally told her so our visit would have to wait. I also told her about my ride issues, asking if she knew anyone who might be able to help. I didn't ask her outright if she could do it because she has five kids...and who wants to get five kids up, dressed, in the car, etc...at five in the morning??! But she wrote back in just a few minutes, telling me of course she could help and that she and her brother (visiting) would take the kids to Frankfurt for the day (she homeschools). She also told me I was silly for not asking her in the first place.

It's so good to have friends.

And...twenty four hours from now the Little Mister will be settling into an airplane! :)

p.s. I wanted to update yesterday, but didn't want to take anything away from my anniversary message to my husband...so I waited until this morning. :)

Six Years and Counting...

2008-05-18T18:06:00.002+02:00

I love you, Baby...more and more every day.
Happy Anniversary.
Miss you...

May 18, 2002

A little vent...for stress-relieving purposes

2008-05-17T15:51:00.003+02:00

I need to know if I'm crazy, if I'm the only person on the planet who thinks this way.

If you tell someone you can do something for them - a BIG something - and then it turns out you can't, you'd tell them.....right? As soon as you found out you couldn't do it, you'd call, or knock on their door, or whatever.....right?

Let me explain.

Tuesday the Little Mister and I are flying to Michigan. (woo-hoo!) My friend Shelby was going to drive us to the airport, but she got a last minute flight to the States for her best friend's wedding. I knew this was a possibility, so last Tuesday I asked my neighbors if they could drive us if she happened to get a flight.

"Sure," they said. "Not a problem. Just let us know by the weekend, so we know we have to plan around it."

I was quite relieved. Most of my friends here are gone right now (visiting family back home) and when Shelby decided just last week to fly home if she could...well, I was happy for her, but more than a bit worried for me. There was a weight off my shoulders when my neighbors agreed to drive us.

Thursday afternoon I got an email from Shelby telling me she'd made it to the States, and yesterday morning I saw my neighbor. "Shelby got a flight," I told her. "So I do need a ride Tuesday morning."

"Oh, Tuesday?" she said, sounding surprised, even though we'd gone over this just a few days before. "We can't do it Tuesday."

I was dumbfounded.

I cannot tell you how much stress was heaped on me in that moment. I got an instant migraine, and it still hasn't gone away. A transatlantic flight with an 11 month old is stressful enough, especially when I have to figure out how to pack for the two of us for nearly a month...and now I suddenly don't have a ride to the airport. I still don't. The last resort is a shuttle service that will cost me a fortune, but I'm still trying to figure something else out. Grr.

So that brings me back to the beginning. Am I crazy for thinking that if you find out you can't give someone a ride to the airport you should probably let her know as soon as possible so she can find something else??

I'm not exactly coherent right now, what with the frustration and the stress and the migraine pounding behind my eyes. But writing it down makes me feel a tiny bit better. And if you tell me I'm not crazy it'll help even more. :)

Wordless Wednesday: My First Mother's Day - Trier, Germany

2008-05-14T12:28:00.004+02:00

Discovery

2008-05-09T12:56:00.003+02:00

New things to explore
Stone and moss and grass and dirt
Eleven months old

This is my first Haiku Friday...click here to see more!

Almost

2008-05-08T13:51:00.003+02:00

Last September I celebrated my 29th birthday.

One of the first things I said that day was, "I'm almost 30."

It doesn't bother me, not really. Thirty is just a number, like 11 or 23 or 59. I have no fear of suddenly being "old" when I pass that barrier. Sometimes it's a bit staggering, but mostly because I don't feel like I've been alive for nearly 30 years. And even (finally!) being a mom I still don't often feel like an adult.

The most recent "almost" hits me hard, though. Like a baseball bat to the stomach. As of Tuesday the Little Mister is 11 months old. Almost one. He will be a year old in less than a month.

I think my heart just stopped.

My brain screams, Slow down!! Be my baby for a little longer!! Stop trying to walk, crawling is good enough for now. And I like to carry you, especially when you cuddle your face into my neck when you're sleepy. Can't we just stop the clock for a few hours a day, so we can just be Mommy and Baby and forget about this growing up nonsense?

And then, impossibly, my brain makes the exact opposite wish. Can't I just blink my eyes and have the next 14-ish months be over? It's not because I want the Sergeant home with me (which I do) or because it's hard to be a "single" mom (which it is)...it's because I want father and son to be together again. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

I guess, in the end, we have to live the way everyone else does.

One day at a time.

Looking toward the future...

The World Still Turns..

2008-05-05T20:16:00.003+02:00

When we last left off, Dragonfly was beginning life as a single mom while the Sergeant was beginning his second tour in the Middle East. The plan was to fight hysteria with busyness...

Dragonfly and the Little Mister certainly have been busy. Shelby (so named because she has a Mustang) and the Twins (who will eventually have nicknames...right now they are creatively called either "the Twins" or "Girl" and "Boy") kept them hopping, getting the Twins registered for school, driving to doctor appointments, the post office, the commissary, getting Shelby her license to drive in Germany, arranging for cable, internet and phone services, arranging for their things back in the States to be packed up and shipped here, doing some random driving-around-to-see-the-area, and finally, today, picking up Shelby's car. Whew.

They also had a princess birthday party (for a neighbor; the Little Mister was the only boy there, but he didn't seem to mind), a pirates and princesses party on post, an ice cream social at a park, and other random outings. The Little Mister had his first experience with grass (which he wasn't quite sure about), and dirt (which he met up close and personal with his forehead after falling about ten inches off a playground truck...and he didn't even care), and ice cream cones (not ice cream, but he sure enjoyed the cone!). In less than a month he went through a phase where he would only eat what he could feed himself, and then another phase where he would only eat things Dragonfly spoon-fed to him.

Dragonfly kept busy at home reading, and writing, and stitching (she likes to cross-stitch and is currently working on two large projects - one is 40,800 stitches and the other is 63,000 stitches). She did laundry, and dishes, and dusting. She did everything but think, and it was good. She even laughed.

And then she got sick.

Who gets the flu five months after getting a flu shot? And in May? Dragonfly, apparently. And it was the worst flu she's ever had. We won't go into details, but it wasn't pretty. She learned how hard it is to be a mom while fighting the flu. There were times she was so weak she couldn't even lift the Little Mister. He tried to help her out by offering his pacifier (but thankfully his aim isn't the greatest yet, since she didn't want to get him sick too!), which made her feel happy...but not healthy. She is finally feeling like herself, after many days of feeling like a mummy instead of a Mommy.

Meanwhile...

The Sergeant was in Kuwait, for training and getting acclimated to the heat and sand. And now he's in Iraq, where he'll be for awhile..

This has been my not-very-creative attempt at this week's Monday Mission: to write a post in the style of a soap opera update, starting with the words "When we last left off..." I figured an update was a good idea, since I haven't really posted in ages...

Sick

2008-05-01T19:29:00.002+02:00

Yes, I have the flu. It's really beating me up...and it irritates me because I actually got a flu shot!

My little guy thinks he knows how to make Mommy feel better...this afternoon he kept trying to put his pacifier in my mouth. He's never done that before. Apparently I never needed it before. :)

Hope to be back soon with something more substantial to say than "I'm sick." For now, however, I'm off to bed. I can't remember the last time I went to bed at 7:30!

Who knew there was a pirate cuter than Orlando Bloom?

2008-04-26T23:41:00.002+02:00

And yes, I'm talking about the little one.

On post today there was a Pirates and Princesses party for all the kids. There wasn't much for the wee one (activities were geared toward kids 2-12) but the Little Mister had fun watching all the kids and seeing all the costumes and games and craziness. And besides, isn't he adorable? Makes me look forward to Halloween. Lots of Halloweens. And costumes worn just for fun!

Wordless Wednesday: the bearded baby

2008-04-23T13:25:00.001+02:00

This is the picture I wanted to put at the end of yesterday's post...

too, too fast

2008-04-22T19:49:00.003+02:00

After lunch my son took a bath.

And I cried.

Sitting on the floor next to the tub (like I do every day) I looked at the Little Mister and I was astonished. Since when can I see so much of his head over the edge of the tub? It took my breath away, and I was suddenly struck by how fast he's growing up.

This is hardly an original thought. Just about every parent in the history of time has had the same thought over and over again. I have even had this thought before, repeatedly. It hit me extra hard today, though. The Sergeant and I tried for so long to have a baby. The Little Mister was born 10 months and 16 days ago...and now we're like a runaway train, heading for the day when he won't be a baby anymore!

He is never still. He stands more often than he sits. He never stumbles when he cruises along the furniture...my brain wants to explode when I think he'll be walking soon! He stubbornly wants to feed himself everything, without help from Mommy. He's started emphatically shaking his head no, although sometimes I'm pretty sure it's just because it makes me laugh. He says "hi" very well, and "mamma" when he cries, and sometimes "dada"...and he tries to say a bunch of other words (kitty, bath, book, yes, ball, bye bye). He learns something new every day.

My tiny baby is becoming my little boy.

I know time won't stop. I know there will be more tears.

But there will be even more smiles.

I wanted to post a picture, too...but Blogger wouldn't let me. Perhaps it'll be my "Wordless Wednesday" tomorrow. :)

And the chocolatey goodness goes to....

2008-04-20T14:44:00.002+02:00

alejna from collecting tokens!!

I was waiting for the twins to draw a name, but now the Little Mister is cutting a tooth so we're kind of home-bound...so I just used random.org. And Alejna topped the list!

I had fun shopping for chocolate. :) Alejna, Please send me your address - dragonflywings27 (at) yahoo (dot) com - and let me know if there's a certain kind of chocolate you really like (milk, dark, hazelnut, whatever) so I can add that to the mix!

Hopefully soon I'll make a real post, with words and everything. It will probably be after the toothy fun we have going on now, though. Or late at night when I'm drinking a glass of wine after a day of toothy fun. Perhaps I'll eat some chocolate, too. (what, you thought I bought some for others without buying any for myself??!?)

I know it's not Wednesday, but this picture says it all.

2008-04-17T14:53:00.003+02:00

Poor, poor Sarah.

There's still time! If you haven't yet, leave a comment on my 100th post for the chance to win yummy European chocolate!

Wordless Wednesday: Let's Eat!

2008-04-16T11:38:00.003+02:00

P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment here for the chance to win some yummy European chocolate!!

It's Mommy's 100th post!!

2008-04-14T20:38:00.002+02:00

Hi! It's me, the Little Mister! Mommy has been very, very busy lately...and not just chasing me, like usual. Just before Daddy left a new family moved to our post. The daddy was already here, but the mommy and the twins just got to Germany. They don't have a car, but they still need to do things like go shopping and get ready for school, so me and Mommy are helping them. And they live kind of far away, so we've been in the car a lot since Daddy left. I can sleep in the car sometimes, but Mommy can't, and that makes her tired. So I told her to take a little break and just let me handle her blog. Am I doing okay so far?

Mommy said something about making a list of 100 things about her, or our family...but I don't think I can count that high. (Come on, I'm only 10 months old!) But I can tell you some things about us...

Mommy really likes the color orange. A lot.
She wears a lot of orange clothes.
She makes me wear orange clothes too. But that's alright, I like orange (but not as much as Mommy).
Mommy says the funny thing is that she's allergic to oranges. (Is that funny? I don't know much about jokes yet.)
I love to take baths. Mommy says I'd stay in the tub all day if she'd let me, and I think she's right about that.
This week I learned how to stand up...in the bathtub! Mommy was scared, but I didn't fall. I'm too smart for that.
Mommy has brown eyes.
Daddy has brown eyes too.
I have blue-grey eyes.
Mommy says they look like Grandpa Beav's eyes. She also says they could still change...but I think she wants them to stay the color they are.
Daddy is a soldier. He's far away right now, but I know he loves me even when he's gone. Sometimes we talk on the phone, and Mommy takes lots of pictures of me to send to him.
Daddy really likes trains. Mommy said he can't wait to buy a train for me, so we can play with it together.
My favorite food is food. I eat everything. It is very good!
My newest food is cheese. And also grapes. Yum!
We found out today that I weigh 18 pounds and 1 ounce.
I might be small, but they said it's probably because my metab-o-something is high, and I move around a lot.
We have three kitties. They stay away from me, mostly. But I say "hi!" to them a lot. Sometimes they meow back, but usually they run.
Someday I will be fast enough to catch the kitties.
While we live in Europe, Mommy wants to go to England, Ireland, Italy, Switzerland, and most of all Greece.
Daddy just wants to see everything.
I just want to be outside!

Is that 100 yet?? It must be! That was a lot! My fingers are getting tired...

There's one more thing, though. Mommy's been kind of sad lately, 'cause Daddy is gone. She thought of something that makes her feel better when she's sad. The best thing that makes her feel better is, of course, me. But she said chocolate works too...and she wants to share some with YOU! Just leave a comment on this post between now and Friday at noon (Eastern time, she said that's easier than trying to remember the Germany time!) and then Mommy will ask someone (probably one of the twins, since I try to eat paper) to draw one of the names. We'll send the winner some chocolate! Mommy says chocolate is really good, and that we live in the land of chocolate. I thought we lived in Germany, but I guess I don't know everything.

And now my fingers are really tired. Plus I NEVER sit still this long, so I'd better be off. There are so many toys to chew on!

p.s. Mommy asked me to say sorry that she hasn't been reading other blogs much lately. It's 'cause she's so busy! But she's going to try to catch up soon. If I give her enough time. :)

deployed

2008-04-07T11:23:00.006+02:00

Yup. The Sergeant is in Kuwait.

Friday night the Little Mister and I dropped him off...and now we're alone. I've talked to him a few times, and he's doing well (it's very warm there, in the 90s, and here at home we have a fresh four-ish inches of snow!). He misses us, and we miss him, but at least he has wireless internet so we can chat.

The Little Mister seems unaware, most of the time, that things have changed...but every time we hear someone in the apartment stairwell he looks expectantly toward the door. So even though he acts like his happy little self most of the time, he's still waiting for Daddy to come home.

*sniff*

As for me, busyness is my friend. I've done countless loads of laundry, washed piles of dishes, cleaned the bathroom, done some organizing here and there. I'm reading The Will of the Empress, listening to Abhorsen (Tim Curry is an amazing reader!), and watching episodes of M*A*S*H. I'm spending extra time cuddling (when he'll let me!) and playing with my Little Mister. In short, I'm doing everything possible to keep my mind so full of outside stimuli that it cannot think. At this point in time, thinking could lead to a bad place, so I'm avoiding it. I'm even wearing myself to exhaustion before I collapse into bed, so weary that I just fall asleep instead of being kept awake by my usually buzzing brain. I know this is not a permanent solution, but it's working for now, and I'll be better able to cope in a week or so.

I hope.

the flag we made for Daddy for his birthday
(yes, Saturday was the Sergeant's birthday. Such timing.)

chewing on the flag we made for Daddy :)

a quick family picture, just before we said goodbye...

* * * * * * * * *

I can hardly believe it, but this is my 99th post!! To celebrate my 100th post, and to cheer myself up, I thought of a fun giveaway. Woo hoo! I'm not gonna tell you now - don't want to spoil the surprise! - but trust me, it's good. ;) I'll be back in a few days with number 100!

Child, thy name is Perpetual Motion

2008-03-28T21:26:00.007+01:00

My Little Mister used to sit and smile for the camera, to make adorable faces and let me take as many pictures as I wanted.

Not anymore.

Rose Daughter sent me this outfit for him, and I wanted to take a picture to show her how great it looks on him. Unfortunately, this was the result:

Eventually I put him in his exersaucer so I could at least get a shot of his smiling face.

*sigh*

belgian holiday, day two

2008-03-27T19:53:00.010+01:00

We stayed in Antwerp overnight, and the next morning we headed for home....with a detour. Not long after we visited Luxembourg, I found out that Bastogne isn't too far away from where we were. We've seen Band of Brothers five or six times; I went to Normandy with my family and some friends when I was in high school, and last week we went to Bastogne. We're actually hoping for a visit to the Eagle's Nest before we leave Europe...

a tank damaged during World War II,
part of a memorial in the main square of Bastogne

a church...sorry I don't remember the name :)

This is Mardasson, a memorial to the U.S. soldiers
who fought in the Battle of the Bulge.
I found an areal photo online,
because looking at it straight on doesn't show the cool star shape. :)

This is one the Sergeant took.
Pretty...but kind of hard to tell what it really looks like.

Up on the top of the monument,
on one of the points of the star,
the Little Mister examining a map of the area.

Me and my little guy...

Bastogne, the city...

...and the countryside.

The Little Mister..."yay!"

wordless wednesday: are you sure i can't eat the shells??

2008-03-26T08:30:00.004+01:00

finally, the promised pictures of our holiday in...

2008-03-24T14:08:00.015+01:00

Antwerp!!

The Sergeant had to spend a week in Belgium for work. Since he had his own hotel room we were going to go with him...but I was sick. :( Fortunately last Monday, just before he had to come home, the Little Mister and I were both feeling well enough to make the three hour drive to Antwerp. Hooray!

So...here are some pictures. Hope you enjoy them!

In the hotel room, just before we left to catch the bus;
the Little Mister wore green for St. Patrick's Day. :)

Walking down the street, a glimpse of the Cathedral of Our Lady towering above everything

ceiling detail

pretty pillars

standing outside the cathedral, looking up

lunch in a little Italian restaurant...
the Little Mister charmed everyone by clapping and saying "hi!" to all.

one edge of groenplaats

another edge of groenplaats

fountain detail...
I actually took this picture for Rose Daughter, I thought she might like it.
To me it looks like a cross between a horse and a dragon...or something. :)

Het Steen...literally "the Stone"
Antwerp was at one time a fortified city, but Het Steen is all that remains.

Me and my little boy...isn't he cute??

We wore the Little Mister out!!
But he had a great day.
We all did!

wordless wednesday: my star-belly sneetch

2008-03-19T16:01:00.003+01:00

Now, the Star-Belly Sneetches
Had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches
Had none upon thars.

-The Sneetches
by Dr. Seuss

Tomorrow I'll post pictures from our trip; it was lovely, and we took nearly 200 pictures!! But for today...my little cutie. :)

i'm still alive....really!!

2008-03-15T19:20:00.005+01:00

I haven't been posting much lately. I haven't been reading many blogs, and I've been commenting on even fewer. Hopefully that will change soon...

Every day I think about posting. I decided, however, that it would better to be known as "that blogger who doesn't post much these days" instead of "that blogger who whines and complains a lot." Because if I were to write about what's going on these days, here's a sample of what you'd read:

I'm sick.

The migraines are never-ending.

The coughing is making me crazy.

I'm exhausted.

I cannot believe how much energy it takes to be mommy to a nine month old.

The Sergeant is gone, and that makes everything so much harder. (He's not deployed yet, he's just TDY for a week.)

The Little Mister and I were supposed to go with the Sergeant.

But I'm sick.

And repeat.

I'm starting to feel slightly human, though. And we might go meet the Sergeant tomorrow; he's only a few hours away in a very beautiful city. Hopefully I'll have pictures later this week!

In the meantime, I leave you with pictures (and also a video!) of the Little Mister, who doesn't quit being adorable just because his mommy is sick. Hooray for smiling faces!

(almost) wordless wednesday: what we found at the post office

2008-03-12T18:16:00.008+01:00

The bloggy sisters Helen and Mary Beth
sent us a care package!!!
They said they wanted to make me smile
...and they sure did.

THANK YOU!!!

my sweet boys

2008-03-09T10:26:00.004+01:00

I'm tired of being gloomy!

Actually, I'm also tired of being tired.

Everything seems to be unraveling at once, what with preparations for the deployment and my fun times driving in the snow. This sinus infection I have is possibly getting better, but in the meantime it's kicking my butt. I actually took a pregnancy test yesterday, because the only other time I've had exhaustion, dizzy spells, nausea, trouble eating, and major trouble with smells, like I am right now, was when I was pregnant with the Little Mister. (It was negative, and for that I am thankful...I had a difficult pregnancy, and would hate to go through that without the Sergeant and while chasing after the Little Mister!)

But...even during rough times there is reason to smile: just look at my boys!!

They have been fabulous the past few days, making me smile, giving me comfort when it's needed. Laughter really is the best medicine!

...although I won't say no to my codeine cough syrup...

:)

like a bad dream

2008-03-05T10:12:00.002+01:00

Wanna hear a funny story?

Four days ago I wrote a little post about a roaring thunderstorm, and spring flowers, and the idea that spring really is coming.

When you read it, did you hear the maniacal laughter in the background? I somehow missed it, but truthfully I wasn't listening for it. I should have been, though. I'm sure it was there.

Wanna see the view out my dining room window? This is what it looks like right now...

And that is where the funny in this post ends. Yesterday we got about five inches of snow in about five hours. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to call yesterday's weather a blizzard. And in this lovely weather I got into the car to drive to the health clinic to hopefully get new medication for the Sinus Infection That Will Not Die. (This was the beginning, notice the date...) I could see to drive, and growing up in Michigan I certainly know how to drive in the snow...but it was very slippery. Very. I was not yet out of the apartment complex when I turned a corner, barely moving, and hit a slick patch. The wheels wouldn't turn, the brakes wouldn't brake, and my front driver's side tire banged into the curb.

I somehow managed to move the car out of the way. It can't be too damaged, I thought to myself as I struggled to make the car move and turn. I was barely moving. And all I hit was a curb. And I was fine, although a bit mortified that a seasoned snow-driver could do something so ridiculous.

Flash forward a bit to the Sergeant talking to the dealership, repeating to me what they say is wrong "so far": ...drive shaft, tie rod, tire, rim, power steering... And today we learned that if the frame is bent, which is entirely possible with all that damage, the car is totaled. Our 2007 Ford Focus, the car we've been driving for just about one year, might be totaled. Because I hit a curb. Going about 2 miles per hour.

It was a nightmare. The Sergeant had to bundle up the Little Mister (many, many thanks to Crazy Grandma Judi for the snow suit!) and hike down the very slippery, snow-covered hill to where I was with the car. We had to wait for the MP, go over it all with him, call a tow truck, call the dealership...a nightmare. When I was no longer needed I re-bundled the Little Mister and trudged back up the hill (In Baumholder, the hills are not alive. But they might kill you.), into the wind and blowing snow, carrying a twenty pound, screaming baby, with my body already weakened by the Sinus Infection That Will Not Die. Until yesterday I never fully appreciated the phrase "my lungs were burning."

See that sad, runny-nosed face? That was after our trek up the hill...

We made it up the hill and to our apartment, where I pretty much collapsed. And I'll fully admit this: after the accident, I wallowed. I was crabby about missing my doctor appointment, I was stressed about the car, and I was still sick. So I did nothing but the necessary mothering activities, and even many of those were handled by the Sergeant. I curled up on the couch, put M*A*S*H into the dvd player, and played my new computer game. When it was time I went to bed, although I couldn't sleep due to coughing fits...

But.

Today is better. We still have car troubles--obviously--but for now we have a rental and the rest is out of our hands. I got to the clinic this morning, where I was given stronger antibiotics and something to still this wretched cough. The Little Mister is taking a nap, I'm cozy in the house, and outside the snow has stopped falling.

And, somehow, I'm still hoping for Spring.

favorites

2008-03-03T16:05:00.003+01:00

A bit of coolness about the whole blogging thing is finding new blogs and making new bloggy friends. One blog I've recently discovered is Thursday Drive. If you haven't already, check it out! I've very much enjoyed getting to know Jennifer. And apparently she wants to get to know me too, 'cause she tagged me for a pretty cool meme that is all about getting to know each other via old blog posts.

Here are the rules: Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you've written.

Link one must be about family.
Link two must be about friends.
Link three must be about yourself.
Link four must be about something you love.
Link five can be about anything you choose.

Post your five links and then tag five other people. At least two of the people you tag must be newer acquaintances so that you get to know each other better.

So. I only have 88 posts to choose from, but I think I can do this. :)

Here is a list of the Little Mister's New Year's resolutions.
I haven't written a lot about my friends; that's probably because they are all so far away. :( I know this post is very recent, but it's about old friends, so it fits.
This post is about the Little Mister...but it's mostly about how I dealt with a tough situation.
This one is easy. I love books, and reading, and I like to write about them too. In January I posted about my favorite book and the magic of reading aloud. I know this is two posts, but it was actually a two-part post, so I'm going to count it as one. Because I can.
This one was actually difficult to choose...I decided to pick a post about going crazy...because it makes me laugh. :)

And now to tag five people...

They aren't exactly new acquaintances...but since I've only been blogging since October I chose people whose blogs I really like but haven't read from the beginning. Because I can. ;)

Oh, and if you're tagged and you don't want to do the meme, no pressure. And if you're not tagged but want to do it anyway, go ahead!

in like a lion

2008-03-01T08:52:00.005+01:00

...and we're not talking about a crouching lion, or a sleeping lion. This is a roaring lion.

The wind is howling around the building, rattling the windows as it passes.

There is either rain or hail making a rat-a-tat-tat on the glass.

The lights are flickering.

A few minutes ago there was a flash of lightning in the distance.

And there is real thunder!

I love spring. I know it's not "officially" here yet, but it's coming. Thunderstorms, sunshine, the fresh smell of earth...and spring flowers!!

I snapped this picture in Luxembourg, on February 8.
I was bouncing up and down with excitement...
the Sergeant just rolled his eyes.

And now to you, my bloggy friends...thank you. Your response to Thursday's post was overwhelming; when I read the comments Friday morning (and the ones rolling in throughout the day) I was moved to tears. Just to be reminded that it will be okay, and that I am not alone... I don't have words to express my gratitude. I hope "thank you" can somehow be enough.

edited to add: About five minutes after I posted this everything stopped and the sun came out. So much for my beautiful storm. Oh well. I love sunshine too!! :)

independence

2008-02-28T19:25:00.003+01:00

Oh my heart....does he have to grow up so fast??

If you couldn't tell from this and this, I've been a bit down lately. This time of year I'm reminded of loss, and the fragility of life, and I spend a lot of time thinking of the past. There are many, many happy memories, of course, and that is where I dwell, but there is always a twinge of sadness when remembering friends and family who have passed away.

My bestest friend in the whole wide world is looking toward a tough transition soon, and I've been thinking of her a lot lately too. I hate being so far away when I want to be there for her.

Then there is the upcoming deployment, which I can feel pressing down on me. The Sergeant is already working long hours every day (and night), and I am absolutely petrified at the thought of being a "single" mother, even if only for a year. The first deployment, in 2005-6, was difficult, but I got along alright. I even learned to do many things I'd never done before. I was quite proud of myself when I changed the shower head in the bathroom all by myself, among other things. But that year was nothing like this one will be. Back then it was only me and the cats, and cats are very low maintenance. My family was only an eight hour drive away, and when I needed to I could make the trip on very short notice. Needless to say, things are different now.

A few nights ago, just before the Sergeant fell asleep, I whispered into the darkness, "I'm a mess."

He was astonishingly coherent (usually he just mumbles) when he replied, "You're not a mess."

The only response I had was, "You wouldn't say that if you could see inside my head."

I am a mess. My brain will not stop, will not allow me to rest. I worry about everything, and I don't know how not to worry. Because I'm not just me anymore, I'm Mommy. I know we'll make it, even though it will be hard....but there are still moments I have to restrain myself from grabbing the Sergeant, burying my face in his shoulder, and saying, "Don't leave me. Please, stay."

That's silly, I know, and I'd never do it...but I can't help wanting it.

So. There's a lot on my mind these days. It's not all happy. But then my sweet little boy does something crazy-wonderful--like feeding himself with a spoon!--and I can't help but smile.

summer friends, winter tears

2008-02-26T19:36:00.003+01:00

I'm such a space-case these days, what with cough medicine, decongestants, and migraine medication...but I wanted to write just a little bit more about the poem. Hopefully my brain works well enough that it'll make at least some sense..

The summer before I turned nine I finally got to do something my dad had been talking to me about for years: I got to go to Bair Lake. Dad went to camp there when he was a boy, and his sister did too. Grandpa even helped build some parts of it (the old fort, the mini-golf course, and a few of the cabins, if I remember correctly). Dad told me about boating on the lake, about playing games and doing crafts. He told me about Flagpole every morning, when the flag was raised and everyone did "exercises." He told me about the Lumberjack Breakfast, where no one was allowed to speak (apparently because lumberjacks are very hungry in the morning and talking wastes time and energy that could be used for eating), and Hobo Breakfast (is that what it was called, Dad?) where you were given an egg (or two?), two slices of bread, two slices of bacon, an orange, and a fork...and you had to cook your own breakfast on an upside-down coffee can with some kind of heat source (I don't remember what it's called) underneath it.

As we drove down the highway to the tiny town of Jones, Michigan I was overflowing with excitement. I might have been a little bit nervous, but I don't remember any anxiety. I was never the kid who was scared to go away from home; I begged for sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpa's house, or with the cousin I called my twin. This desire for new and different places never left me. I love to travel, and since I married the Sergeant in 2002 we've lived in four states different states and now Germany. It worked out well, marrying someone else with a travel bug.

When we arrived I couldn't stop looking around. It was perfect. Cabins standing in a perfect row, with the gleaming swimming pool out front of them. The apple orchard beyond the cabins. Trees everywhere, except in the sprawling, grass-covered field with the flagpole and lots of space for running games. I stood in line with my parents for registration and my cabin assignment, and then they helped me get my suitcase and sleeping bag to Cabin 10. I spread my sleeping bag out on a bunk, stowed my suitcase underneath, fluffed up my pillow...and then practically pushed my parents to their car. Dad might have showed us around the camp, but all that sticks in my mind is the excitement at being at camp and finally being on my own.

I made friends instantly. It's hard to remember which ones I met that summer...for eight or nine years I was there at least once every summer, usually two or three times. At least one week I was a camper, when I was old enough I spent at least one week on "junior staff", working in the kitchen or with the Bunnies (the children of the senior staff members). And when I was...eleven?...my uncle took a job there, as a permanent staff member, and moved the whole family there. That meant I could spend even more time there. It was my summer place.

The friends...there were so many. Tina Meyer, easily my best camp friend. Gretchen. Alison, Shannon, and Heather. Ricky and Matt. Roach. Nicky. Cami and Noelle. Mike. Jason. Joy. Jeff. Ben. And so many more, whose names I've forgotten but whose faces are burned into my heart. They were my summer friends. I only saw them once (or sometimes twice) a year...but they were a part of me. When we saw each other after a year there was no hesitation, no awkwardness...just friendship. Some of us wrote a letter or two during the rest of the year...but it wasn't truly necessary to keeping up the friendships. Tina and I wrote lots of letters, and even visited...since we lived only about half an hour away from each other.

It was Tina who told me Ricky was sick again, I think it was in the fall of 1994. I always knew he had cancer, since he didn't keep it a secret, but he was in remission when I first met him, and I never really thought about it. Rick Laramore was the picture of life. When we reached high school age he and Matt always got up early to go running before Flagpole. Whenever there was downtime he was dribbling his soccer ball, bouncing it on his feet, knees, head. He never stopped moving, or smiling. I had a crush on him one summer, around eighth grade I think. It was the curly hair and laughing eyes. But we were always just friends, and that was okay.

I couldn't imagine Rick in a hospital bed. I just couldn't picture it. And even though I knew I could have found a way to visit him on the other side of the state, I kept putting it off. Turns out I put it off too long. Part of me is glad, because in my memories he is that bright, shining boy, full of life. And another part of me is sad that I wasn't there to hold his hand, even for a few moments.

March 27, 1995. I was watching the Academy Awards when Tina called. I had talked to her just a few days before, when she called to tell me Rick had shingles. I remember thinking later, How incredibly stupid to die from shingles. Of course I knew it was more than that, but the sixteen year old me was angry and irrational. Because even though I knew he was dead I still couldn't imagine it, couldn't imagine someone so alive losing that life. And while I'm not angry or irrational anymore, I still don't understand it.

Somehow I'm not in touch with any of my camp friends anymore. (Yes, me, the letter-writing queen.) I've been trying to find Tina (that's why I used her real name, on the off chance that she googles herself and stumbles across my blog, even though it's a common name and highly unlikely). I looked at Bair Lake's website a few days ago, and they've added so much I don't know if I'd even recognize the place anymore. But those people, that place, it's all alive inside me. Capture the Flag, Hound and the Hare, scavenger hunts, quiet moments on the deck, climbing trees in the orchard, campfires sparkling with laughter and tears, sneaking to the field to watch for falling stars...I'll never forget.

in memoriam

2008-02-24T13:37:00.001+01:00

Why I don't like Oscar night

Just after Pulp Fiction was awarded Best
Original Screenplay the phone rang.
I didn't much like the interruption,
didn't want to leave my nest of blankets,
but since there was a commercial
anyway I answered. A voice, empty as a theatre
on an early Tuesday morning, spoke only
a few, hollow words--He's gone, friend.
Rick died
this afternoon.

I remembered the time, five years ago,
when we were seventh graders
at Bair Lake. Tradition dictated
a serious game of Capture
the Flag every Wednesday night,
at dusk. That summer, dressed in colors
of night, I prowled the tree line on the southern
edge of the playing field, near
no-man's land. Too intent on a clump
of pine trees ahead of me, I didn't hear
him creep up behind, and when he clamped
his hand over my mouth I panicked,
tried to scream. I still couldn't see
him, but as he threw me
to the ground in a slow-motion
tackle his clear, tumbling laughter
gave him away. If you ever
do that to me again, Rick Laramore,
I'll...well...just don't--
but as we wrestled in the dirt
I caught his joyful laughter.
I never could stay mad at him.

Ricky was strong, looked like a sapling
waiting for the spring rain to thicken
him up a bit, ate like a condemned
prisoner. He played soccer,
ran constantly. He had perfect
curly brown hair even though
it usually looked like he just rolled
out of bed, blue eyes that always laughed,
a mouth that told me I was worth something,
and Hodgkin's Disease.

I don't remember who won
Best Actor the night he died. All I remember
is the sound the telephone made
when I threw it at my bedroom wall, the smell
of dusty earth that filled my senses
when Ricky tackled me on that dark summer night,
the dampness of the pillow I buried
my face in to cry.

April 6, 2000

my poor "neglected" baby

2008-02-21T15:19:00.003+01:00

Our normal evening routine is dinner, bath, play, sleep. After the Little Mister has his bath and his clean pajamas are on he sits on the living room floor to play until he tells us it's bedtime. He does this without fail, between seven and eight every night, by making a few whining noises. When he does that one of us picks him up, takes him to the other parent for a goodnight snuggle and kiss, and then puts him in his crib.

So last night was just like normal: dinner-bath-play, with the "play" part starting around seven. If you remember, I'm sick, with a nasty respiratory infection, and last night I also had overwhelming nausea and a wretched migraine. So...I was a little out of it. But the Little Mister was happily playing, so I wasn't terribly worried.

A few minutes after nine, the Sergeant came across the room..and made a little gasping noise. "He's out! I forgot he was still in here!"

I had forgotten too. Good grief, we both forgot our kid was in the room! But he never made a sound...and he just played himself to sleep.

It's not quite so bad as it sounds, he was in an enclosed area that is completely child-proofed. But still...I guess we're out of the running for "Parents of the Year." Made for a cute picture anyway... :)

On Dragonfly Wings

Heart: Melting

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1.5

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One

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In which I talk about my son and then ask for a bit of advice.

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to my beautiful boy:

Wordless Wednesday: Go Wings!!

exhausted...but having fun!

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Signing off for a couple days...

tiny post full of good news

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Wordless Wednesday: the bearded baby

Mickey has nothing on my little mouse.