Oh my heart....does he have to grow up so fast??If you couldn't tell from this and this, I've been a bit down lately. This time of year I'm reminded of loss, and the fragility of life, and I spend a lot of time thinking of the past. There are many, many happy memories, of course, and that is where I dwell, but there is always a twinge of sadness when remembering friends and family who have passed away.
My bestest friend in the whole wide world is looking toward a tough transition soon, and I've been thinking of her a lot lately too. I hate being so far away when I want to be there for her.
Then there is the upcoming deployment, which I can feel pressing down on me. The Sergeant is already working long hours every day (and night), and I am absolutely petrified at the thought of being a "single" mother, even if only for a year. The first deployment, in 2005-6, was difficult, but I got along alright. I even learned to do many things I'd never done before. I was quite proud of myself when I changed the shower head in the bathroom all by myself, among other things. But that year was nothing like this one will be. Back then it was only me and the cats, and cats are very low maintenance. My family was only an eight hour drive away, and when I needed to I could make the trip on very short notice. Needless to say, things are different now.
A few nights ago, just before the Sergeant fell asleep, I whispered into the darkness, "I'm a mess."
He was astonishingly coherent (usually he just mumbles) when he replied, "You're not a mess."
The only response I had was, "You wouldn't say that if you could see inside my head."
I am a mess. My brain will not stop, will not allow me to rest. I worry about everything, and I don't know how not to worry. Because I'm not just me anymore, I'm Mommy. I know we'll make it, even though it will be hard....but there are still moments I have to restrain myself from grabbing the Sergeant, burying my face in his shoulder, and saying, "Don't leave me. Please, stay."
That's silly, I know, and I'd never do it...but I can't help wanting it.
So. There's a lot on my mind these days. It's not all happy. But then my sweet little boy does something crazy-wonderful--like feeding himself with a spoon!--and I can't help but smile.
My bestest friend in the whole wide world is looking toward a tough transition soon, and I've been thinking of her a lot lately too. I hate being so far away when I want to be there for her.
Then there is the upcoming deployment, which I can feel pressing down on me. The Sergeant is already working long hours every day (and night), and I am absolutely petrified at the thought of being a "single" mother, even if only for a year. The first deployment, in 2005-6, was difficult, but I got along alright. I even learned to do many things I'd never done before. I was quite proud of myself when I changed the shower head in the bathroom all by myself, among other things. But that year was nothing like this one will be. Back then it was only me and the cats, and cats are very low maintenance. My family was only an eight hour drive away, and when I needed to I could make the trip on very short notice. Needless to say, things are different now.
A few nights ago, just before the Sergeant fell asleep, I whispered into the darkness, "I'm a mess."
He was astonishingly coherent (usually he just mumbles) when he replied, "You're not a mess."
The only response I had was, "You wouldn't say that if you could see inside my head."
I am a mess. My brain will not stop, will not allow me to rest. I worry about everything, and I don't know how not to worry. Because I'm not just me anymore, I'm Mommy. I know we'll make it, even though it will be hard....but there are still moments I have to restrain myself from grabbing the Sergeant, burying my face in his shoulder, and saying, "Don't leave me. Please, stay."
That's silly, I know, and I'd never do it...but I can't help wanting it.
So. There's a lot on my mind these days. It's not all happy. But then my sweet little boy does something crazy-wonderful--like feeding himself with a spoon!--and I can't help but smile.
I cannot imagine how difficult something like having my husband gone for a year would be (although at least I'd stop getting pregnant). You have every reason to be a bit of a mess.
ReplyDeleteOh, Mama. I'd be a mess too... Good for you for trying to look at the bright side of life ~ that beautiful lil heart breaker you are raising. I would not want to walk in your shoes. :(
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so sorry "you are a mess." I too am a mess. The house is a mess. My cooking is a mess. I think the winter causes me to mess my life.
ReplyDeleteSoon the sun will be out. Yes? Hope you feel better. Sun therapy always works for me. i take walks with the kids as soon as it hits 50 degrees!
I'm having a very hard time too. I'm on this side of the world worrying about you on that side of the world. I so wish you were closer. BUT, we'll all get through it, you, little mister, sergaent, and your family in Michigan. We'll just have to be there for each other.
ReplyDeleteIt's sometimes the most difficult thing just articulating this.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you;re able to do it so succinctly means that you're in control of your own destiny.
You're not a mess. Everyone goes through spells of different emotions.
It's a difficult time, as you've explained. Make the most of your time together before deployment - and remember you have your bonny son to boost your spirits.
I'd be a mess, too. Heck, sometimes I am a mess, and my husband is generally here!
ReplyDeleteAnd it looks like Baby Boo has a fellow Oompa Loompa in training over there. ;-)
I know I don't know you all that well, just through our blogs and comments, but girl...you are strong. It's so easy to feel a mess, and it's actually okay to be a mess in this situation. But the good news is...you will get through it, and you will be okay. And we're all here for you. If you ever want to talk...remember I've been there...just email me: LyricalKC at gmail dot com.
ReplyDeleteI bet it is hard to be a mommy and have so many worries and fears. If we didn't worry we wouldn't be human. It might not seem like it but everything will work out and you will rise to the occasion and will meet all those challenges when they come. So enjoy your husband while he's there and enjoy your little guy too!
ReplyDeleteI think you have lots of legitimate things to worry about and that would be natural. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate - I can't imagine how hard it will be, but I know you will do fine and you will be okay! I will be here for you if you need support or a shoulder - or just a friend. Take care -Kellan
ReplyDeleteIt's so much scarier before the deployment actually happens than it is once it begins . . . I was really intimidated, too. But once you get into the rhythm, it's a lot easier. You can do it! Trust me, if I can do it, anybody can!
ReplyDeleteThis must be so powerfully difficult. I have trouble when my husband goes on business trips for four-five days at a time. You can do it, though, you can get through the anticipation and you can do it.
ReplyDeleteThis post touched my heart. I don't know how military wives do it - you are all heroes. I wish I could do more to help...HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI think we are all a mess on the inside. It is hard not to be. I am a worrier too. Especially since becoming a mom.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine having to go through another deployment.
Again. I thank you and your husband for your incredible service to our country.
I really don't know how you do it. I can see why you would be fixating on it a bit. What a hard thing. I hope the time goes quickly for you...
ReplyDeleteYou should read Vintage Chica - she's in the middle of a deployment right now. I am reallllllly glad that my guy is finally out!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you made me cry first thing in the morning, so not right!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the anticipation and the first few weeks are the hardest part. Also, remember that you have "family" over here in Germany who are ALWAYS willing to help you out. All of us military wives are in this together. You WILL email me for my phone number and you WILL call me if you need anything; I know that I don't live more than 45 minutes away from you. I will be there in an instant if you need something and you will always be welcome to come to my home.
All of us who have been through a deployment have had the exact same "I'm a mess" thought. That's not a great comfort when you are going through it, but at least it shows you that you can survive and thrive though this!
I would be a mess, too. I'd be terrified, in fact. BUT! In the end, I'd know I could do it....and I know you can, too. And I know you know you can do it (are you following this?).
ReplyDeleteIt'll be awfully hard, I can't even fathom how hard it will be. But you'll get through it, and we - your internet community - will be with you all the way.
Big hugs!! Heidi
PS: What are the long-term plans for the Sergeant? After this deployment, then what?
PPS: Stopping by Rose Daughter's site now.
One reason I found motherhood difficult at first was because there are so much time to think and worry, but not enough free time to act. It’s also such a big shift in lifestyle and identity. There are days then I feel like a total mess, but than there are other days then I feel confident, strong, super-efficient and aware of life’s beauty.
ReplyDeleteAnd your situation is made harder by your husband’s soon absence. I want to wish you best of luck and many more wonderful moments with your son and your husband. I hope the deployment year will pass by fast and you will find enough strength and support to handle it.
I can imagine that you ARE feeling a little blue. This is a difficult time for you... and sometimes, I really believe, the reason we miss our loved ones at certain times, is because they are right there with us, comforting us through difficult times. I really believe that. They're there because you need them to be.
ReplyDeleteHi Dragonfly...
ReplyDelete((((((hugs)))))))
I think you might find that having your child around will help you hold it all together.
I feel for you.
Kim
I dont know what to say to be honest, I always feel so strange in the "my husband is deploying soon" conversations. Smile, look for the pinks and yellows (or whatever color makes you happy) and know that it will go by quickly. Oh yes it will, even faster with little ones. I got in a grove and went with it, you will too.
ReplyDeleteTHat must be one of the toughest things to do. I don't envy you, but if it makes you feel better I would be a mess too. It is a crummy time of the year too, maybe once the sun shines again, you too will shine again :)
ReplyDeletePlease take advantage of the deployment support groups that the military offers - just knowing that there are other spouses out there that are "a mess" as well, helps tremendously. Being able to talk with people that "get it" is sweet relief.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the deployment pressing down on you. It just does and it is awful but you will get through it, along with everything else you are worrying about. You already know that, though.
ReplyDeleteOh, goodness. Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to be a mess. It's okay to not want to be strong. I can only imagine...
ReplyDeleteoh. i wish I could be there to help.
ReplyDeleteI'd be a mess. A big mess. An entire year? Wow. That's a long time, and something that would make it difficult for me to stop worrying too...be good to you.
ReplyDeleteLooks like I'm a bit late commenting here. But I will anyway :)
ReplyDeleteThe first deployment after babies come are difficult to be sure. But I think you'll find that the same way you found your "independence" and were proud of it the first time, the same will be true again. Even more so when you realize you can hold down the fort and take care of your family (not just the cats, lol) while Daddy is away.
J left for Iraq when Dillon was 7 mts old. He went to Korea when Nathan was 8 weeks...I think I learned more about myself the 14 months J was in Korea than I ever have in my entire 29 years combined. I wouldn't want to do it again any time soon, but in hindsight I wouldn't trade that time for the world. It's a pretty amazing experience. It made me a better Mom and a better wife.
That being said, it is still hard. And no one would think less of you for feeling like you just want him to stay. (I've certainly been there!) My only advice is to take it one day at a time. So cliche, but it worked for me. And don't expend valuable energy worrying about what might happen while he's gone- because it probably wont happen in the end and then you've just ruined your whole day on negativity.
And hey, when all else fails- you have us out here in cyberspace to turn to right :)
Oh! I'm sorry I haven't been here sooner. My blog reading is falling behind these days.
ReplyDeleteBut who wouldn't be a mess my friend? I only have my husband on the weekends but I live for those weekend. I can't imagine what it would be like to know I would be without him for a year. You can make it through this. You will make it through this. But it really is okay to be a mess sometimes.
Oh how I wish I could come and move in with you so you wouldn't have be be alone. But I think my four children would simply add to the mess department.
Praying for you friend. We're here when you need us.
I venture to guess you're not a "mess" but rather normal for your circumstances. I hate to say the "I can't imagine" but truly, I can't. I don't know where you find the strength or the courage. But you have it in you - I see pieces of it frequently here.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have much to learn from you.
Have I said thank you lately? Thank you to your husband, I mean - for doing what he does. Amazing.
I don't have the right words to say, but I'm sorry for what you're facing. I know it's horribly difficult. I'm grateful to the Sergeant for his service, but I wish it didn't mean you were apart for so long.
ReplyDeleteThat Little Mister continues to be adorable. He's the "mess." But in a good way.
As you know I've missed blogging for a couple of days and am just catching up on my reading so I apologize for the lateness of my comment. I don't know really what to say but that I would be a mess too. I will be thinking of you. Cherish your little boy and allow him to make you smile. He will be your strength.
ReplyDelete