The Sergeant first went to Iraq in September 2005. The night before he left we sat on the couch in our living room, just being together, and he had a Pepsi. When he finished he did the thing that always irritates me: he put his can on the coffee table instead of in the recycling.
The next day, several hours after he left, I saw the can sitting on the coffee table (not even on a coaster!). He always leaves things for me to clean up after him, I thought. I smiled a tear-filled smile and left the can on the table.
I did the same thing every day for over a month.
If you take care of it, a tiny voice whispered in my mind, he won't be here anymore.
I had a couple friends over to pass out candy on Halloween, and when I was cleaning up the house I finally took care of the Pepsi can.
One stupid little action nearly broke my heart. I cried for about an hour.
The Sergeant left twelve days ago. I have done the laundry, cleaned off the desk, washed the dishes. I cleaned out the car. I hung his jacket back on the coat rack.
But there is one article of clothing on the bedroom floor. I step over it every day, several times a day. I can't bear to pick it up. I can't admit he's gone.
Yes, I hail from Denial Land. I'm just not ready to face that collapse. Not yet.
The good news? Even when I decide to leave Egypt, I'll still have this to hold on to:
Awwww. That really breaks my heart. I know how you feel (sort of) because I was separated from my husband for several months and I had the same rituals and feelings whenever he left me to go back. But he wasn't going back to a danger zone so it's a little different. You can photograph all the little things that he left behind and then make a montage of them??? Maybe that will make the clearing up a little easier. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKim and Pearl
I cannot begin to imagine what you must feel, think, etc... But I can tell you that nothing will break if you leave that article of clothing on the floor until he comes back. Think of it as a decorating accessory. It makes the room look lived in or it has to stay there becuase it keeps a part of the Seargant home with you. And that is OK.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has one of those bears. Does it have a hat that never stays on?
ReplyDeleteJust leave it there. Then you can think he just left the room right before you came in.
I am so sorry your sweetie is away. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have your little man!
I can totally relate. I've never had a separation like yours, but I understand wanting to hang onto something. If you don't mind stepping over that item of clothing, then there's nothing wrong with leaving it there.
ReplyDeleteoooof - my heart
ReplyDeletethat precious baby does help things, though. cuddling always helps
This was a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Sending love to you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Mama :( I wish I had the words to make this all better for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a post... you describe it so well. I can't imagine how tough it must be. Day in and day out. So glad you have Little Mister there with you. Sending you hearty hugs & reminder that you have an ever-growing fan club!
ReplyDeleteI can understand completely your denial. I do the same kind of things when I chose not to face reality. I love your life line though.
ReplyDeleteI have never been in the situation you are in. But, I say stay in Denial Land for as long as you need to!! No one can blame you for that. Your little guy is so adorable!
ReplyDeleteI had something I was going to say, but that picture pretty much wiped it out of my head. That is really sweet.
ReplyDeleteWhat a poignant post. I'm convinced that Denial Land is a perfectly acceptable place to live.
ReplyDeleteBut oh, that picture. Wow.
Denial Land is sometimes a necessary place, until reality isn't too horrible to be in.
ReplyDeleteYour baby is gorgeous, though. For reals!
Oh, this was such a sweet post - so thoughtful and I just love that you leave these things lying around - it is like a floating memory suspended in time - I don't blame you! I hope he is safe - I think of him often and you two also. Take care, Sweetie - Kellan
ReplyDeleteAwww - I did the same thing with a pair of sandals. Of course once I put them away I have NO idea where I put them, and now Kevin is BACK FOR TWO WEEKS!! and asking for his sandals.
ReplyDelete(sigh) We'll have to buy a new pair :)
Hang in there, after two weeks I'll be right where you are at, and boy is it tough . . .
This post was sad but also touching. I have no idea how I would handle my husband being in Iraq or anywhere other than home for that matter. I hope the time he is away flies by!
ReplyDeleteI feel this way about his stuff by the bathroom sink. Then I clear it all away and tell myself I can at least enjoy a cleaner bathroom while he's away.
ReplyDeleteThis is breaking my heart. And that picture is beyond adorable.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I stumbled across your blog today. The post is touching and what a sweet picture. I can tell by reading this post you are a very strong woman. Have a nice weekend.
ReplyDeleteOh the Pepsi can. I understand totally. And the baby. This is so moving. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're alone - but that baby is divine.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. I am sensitive tonight but seriously that is something I would do. I am not generally superstitious but about little things like that I am. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDeletePs
Your little guy is just too cute
I can only imagine.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
I can't relate from personal experience, either. This is a great honest post.
ReplyDelete