Sunday, August 24, 2008

Will someone please wake me up?

Last night my mom "called" me (we were using microphones with our computers) and we got to talking about my brother's upcoming wedding. It's finally officially set for January, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Mom made a comment about dresses and my heart skipped a beat - I've had good luck with bridesmaid's dresses in the past, but that's never a given. You never know when someone is going to want pink, frilly dresses with huge bows on the back. I wasn't too worried, because from what I've seen my sister-in-law-to-be (wow, she really needs a nickname!) has good taste.

So anyway, back to the phone call. Mom said, "They're mocha brown, or latte brown, something like that..."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Brown is good. For one thing, it's not pink. For another, I like brown. Hooray!

But Mom kept talking: "...and it's strapless."

I sort of sputtered for half a second, and then I shouted, "Has she seen me??!"

Mom wasn't even attempting to hide her laughter. "That's just what your brother said."

That didn't surprise me at all, that sounds exactly like him. I'll bet he laughed just as much as Mom did.

See, I've never worn a strapless dress. I've never had a desire. Because I know there is no way I can pull it off. I remember shopping for formals when I was in high school, looking at the strapless dresses and saying to my friends, "That's beautiful, too bad I don't have anything to hold it up." No one ever argued with me. Most of the time they laughed. It never hurt my feelings, because I knew they were right. I usually laughed with them.

Again, back to the phone call.

I was still sputtering. "You know what's going to happen, don't you? I'm going to be walking down the aisle, step on my hem, and the dress is going to just fall off!"

Mom was incredibly helpful. "Make sure you wear pretty underwear."

Oh, thanks Mom. You're the best.

I decided not to talk to her about it anymore. But my mouth kept going, betraying my brain..

"Maybe I can super glue it on..."

Even I laughed at that one, but my laughter was bordering on hysterical.

This is my nightmare. My own personal nightmare. I trip over painted lines in parking lots. What am I going to do in a strapless dress and (if I remember the rest of the fuzzy conversation correctly) high heels? This cannot be real. Could someone please wake me from this nightmare?

p.s. To my almost-sister, if you're reading this: please don't take this the wrong way. Yes, I am terrified...but who cares? This is your wedding, not mine, and I'll cheerfully wear whatever dress you choose for me. I can survive for one day. I hope. :)


  1. Ha ha. You are so funny. You'll be fine. I don't wear strapless because I don't like having to tug on it all night, but from what I've seen in Hollywood you can have the body of a twelve year old boy and still wear strapless. Hee. hee.

  2. You could add straps - either invisible or matching the dress. I have seen lots of people do it. If someone needs to have their's shortened, ask for the scraps and you can make spaghetti straps.

    Personally, I have the opposite problem, so I avoid strapless as well.

  3. Well, it's BROWN!!! They make tape to hold things in place. I'll bet the bridal shop will have plenty of that. If they're good, they'll also make it stay up on its own, but probably by squashing you more!

    Funny post. Brave writing!

  4. Just get yourself a really, really good bra. And stuff it.

  5. this just happened to one of my friends. She really is flat chested, below an A cup. The dress store was able to build breasts into the dress and then she got the "chicken cutlets from Victoria's Secret to build herself up. The dress stayed up and she said she was comfortable...

  6. Don't they have double sided tape for that? Just use lots and lots of tape.

  7. Oh man, I feel your pain! I've always been so small on top I could never wear strapless either. I had the same dilemma when my best girlfriend in Denver got married. She also chose strapless bridesmaids gowns. It was only the sheer luck that I had Dillon 2 months before her wedding that I was able to manage (with my then milk engorged, nursing boobies, lol).

    You can buy that 2 sided tape for clothing to glue yourself in. That and invest in a really good padded, strapless bra. That's what I would do. Good luck!

  8. I am sure you will look lovely, Mama! They'll taylor it to your specific size. But just in case, I like the idea of pretty skivvies :)

  9. I've never worn a strapless for that reason! I really think that there are only a few body shapes that can truly pull off a strapless, though.

    Good luck. Maybe they'll have 1 or2 to choose from?

  10. um... has my hubby told you the strapless wedding dress story? ;) it's a riot, but won't make you feel any better. let's just say that the only thing he said about my dress was "make sure it has straps"

    And... January??? When in January, and might you be in MI around Xmas? The May Queen and I will likely be heading to MI either for Thanksgiving or after Xmas - hoping to plan that this week!

  11. Oh, no- you can wear it. Trust me. No one is smaller than me in that area and I can do it. Just get it fitted to you and you really don't have to worry.

  12. Double Sided tape can be your me and my double d's LOL

  13. It will be okay. It will be okay. Just keep repeating that to yourself!

    P.S. I left you a prize on my site.

  14. I've heard that double sided garment tape works pretty well, although I'd imagine it can't be fun to take off . . .

  15. Two words: water bra.


    Your mom sounds so sweet and funny!

  16. Oh god, poor you! Maybe she'll let you have spaghetti straps. Though I am intrigued by Amanda's chicken cutlets. I love your new header!

  17. That's hilarious. I don't wear strapless for a completely different reason, but I can try to imagine your panic.

    I'm all for the invisible straps idea.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  18. You know, you can buy this stuff that's like double-sided tape that you put on the inside of your dress and it will stick to your skin. I can't remember what it's called, but I bought some in JCPenney in the "intimates" section. It may help! If you can't find anything like that in Germany, let me know and I'll send you some!!

  19. I would totally get some body tape. Get your mom or someone to tape you in. It will be fine! Or you'll end up on that America's Funniest Weddings show and have to get plastic surgery and a new identity.

  20. BWAHAHA ... I have had the opposite problem. Too much to hold up the dress and not enough coverage.

    I think they make tape designed to help hold such dresses on.

    Good luck.

  21. ooh brown does sound like a great color. strapless will just be an adventure!