Last September I celebrated my 29th birthday.
One of the first things I said that day was, "I'm almost 30."
It doesn't bother me, not really. Thirty is just a number, like 11 or 23 or 59. I have no fear of suddenly being "old" when I pass that barrier. Sometimes it's a bit staggering, but mostly because I don't feel like I've been alive for nearly 30 years. And even (finally!) being a mom I still don't often feel like an adult.
My brain screams, Slow down!! Be my baby for a little longer!! Stop trying to walk, crawling is good enough for now. And I like to carry you, especially when you cuddle your face into my neck when you're sleepy. Can't we just stop the clock for a few hours a day, so we can just be Mommy and Baby and forget about this growing up nonsense?
And then, impossibly, my brain makes the exact opposite wish. Can't I just blink my eyes and have the next 14-ish months be over? It's not because I want the Sergeant home with me (which I do) or because it's hard to be a "single" mom (which it is)...it's because I want father and son to be together again. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
I guess, in the end, we have to live the way everyone else does.
One day at a time.
Looking toward the future...
One of the first things I said that day was, "I'm almost 30."
It doesn't bother me, not really. Thirty is just a number, like 11 or 23 or 59. I have no fear of suddenly being "old" when I pass that barrier. Sometimes it's a bit staggering, but mostly because I don't feel like I've been alive for nearly 30 years. And even (finally!) being a mom I still don't often feel like an adult.
The most recent "almost" hits me hard, though. Like a baseball bat to the stomach. As of Tuesday the Little Mister is 11 months old. Almost one. He will be a year old in less than a month.
I think my heart just stopped.My brain screams, Slow down!! Be my baby for a little longer!! Stop trying to walk, crawling is good enough for now. And I like to carry you, especially when you cuddle your face into my neck when you're sleepy. Can't we just stop the clock for a few hours a day, so we can just be Mommy and Baby and forget about this growing up nonsense?
And then, impossibly, my brain makes the exact opposite wish. Can't I just blink my eyes and have the next 14-ish months be over? It's not because I want the Sergeant home with me (which I do) or because it's hard to be a "single" mom (which it is)...it's because I want father and son to be together again. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
I guess, in the end, we have to live the way everyone else does.
One day at a time.
Looking toward the future...
I can very much relate to this post. I had no issue with the transition to my 30's...heck, I was ready to leave the 20's behind me. My youngest child turned 5 in March--that was oh so much more difficult!!!
ReplyDeleteI take every day as it comes...with both my kids, I relished when they turned one (but for me, neither was trying to walk, lol...they waited till 15 months to do THAT!), I enjoy every day that they live, with each accomplishment...because that's what God designed them to do, and all I'm supposed to do is guide them along the way!
ReplyDeleteAww - I feel this too, and my "baby" just turned five last week.
ReplyDeleteIt all moves too fast.
That photo is adorable!
Could that baby bum possibly be any cuter?
ReplyDeleteYes, treasure each and every moment. They go by so quickly.
Heidi
you've nailed it, this dichotomy for most moms, I think: wanting it all to slow down, and yet wishing things would hurry up and happen
ReplyDeleteIt goes by so fast, doesn't it? Love the camo pants.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I have enjoyed my 30s much more than my 20s, and I LOVE the age of about one until 18mths or so -- until they get really obstinate. But after that...let's just say that it gets physically easier? But there's nothing like your baby.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I've gone and made your heart stop again.
I love those camo pants. My son would flip for those! I can relate...Keenan will be 5 in November and the days just fly by. I wish he'd slow down just a little so I could catch up :)
ReplyDeleteIt's going to happen - there's no way to stop it:( Just keep taking tons of pictures and keep them somewhere where, in the dotage of (gasp) your 40's you remember where they are, and you can go back in time in an instant! And keep posting the pictures so we can enjoy him over here cause that back view is just too much!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some words of wisdom... It'll go so fast, though, and then you'll want it back. Ah, the bittersweetness of it all...
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, I just turned 30 last September! Which day is your birthday? Are you a Virgo, too? I love Virgo's. And Libra's. :)
Hope your day is great today...
It's such a shame the Sergeant will miss so much of The Little Mister being a baby. I love the picture, keep them coming. It's ironic that the older you get, the more you appreciate and the faster it all goes by.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know that feeling...I still get it, and my "baby" will be 8 this July!
ReplyDeleteI did the same thing when my son turned one and then again when I realized my daughter was starting school this fall. It is so bittersweet when they grow up.
ReplyDeleteThose pants are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI'm telling you . .. I think that all the things that make you die a little inside (like the first steps, the first solid food, etc.) are just designed to soften the blow when they finally leave for college and are all grown up.
PETER PAN - WHERE ARE YOU!?!?
I've been push/pull with Zo and the growing up business, but your situation is so much more complex. I know it has to be so, so hard.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. The one year marker always hits me too. :(
ReplyDeleteI hate to break it to you: I find two even harder than one. Something about coming out of babyhood completely just kills me.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like an adult, either. I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm a 16-year old girl babysitting someone else's kid, the way I'm goofing off and carrying on with Lance!
ReplyDeleteThose "almosts" really getcha. I totally know how you feel. Hang on to those moments!